Today is Christmas. Well...technically it is now Boxing Day...34 minutes past midnight according to my watch.
Is it horrible of me to think of dying today? Not in the morbid or depressing sort of way. It's different. It's more like this sense that I desire to be in God's presence so much that I actually look forward to dying. And that is why I thought of it today (or yesterday...whatever). On Christmas we celebrate the most generous of gifts that God ever gave us...Himself. His presence. To have Him go with us. That's what Christ did. So I thought of it today...I thought of how wonderful death will be. Because it will only mean an end to living in a broken, burdensome world...and the the beginning of a glorious existence living unendedly in His presence. Yes, I look forward to that day.
If I die before my presumable time...or even if I die in my old age...I want someone somewhere somehow to know this. While I am mostly content here on this earth, and while I submit myself gratefully to God's will to keep me here...my soul longs to be free from this body...from my flesh...and to be fully united with my Creator. My heart knows He is its truest, deepest desire. This place...this world...is so strange to me. I do not understand it. I feel as though I am an alien here...and in ways I am. Because it is not my home. And time and time again I tell Him, "I want to go Home."
Yet with this in mind...knowing what such sweet things are in store for me...I realize I am not really here for myself. If that were the case, then silly me! For there is nothing here in the worldly kingdom that isn't far better in the kingdom of heaven. No, with all this in mind I realize...I am here for His purposes. And when those expire...may so I. May so I go and be with Him. I long for that day. Like a child who waits for Christmas...like a bride who waits for her wedding day...but far more than that. With great joy I look forward to finally standing before Him, falling at His feet and worshiping my Love.
Dec 26, 2010
Dec 18, 2010
I should be sleeping.
When it's late like this, I think too much. I think about things that make me melancholy like Preston or England. I've been sorting through my music for the last few hours because I have a show coming up on Wednesday, and I came across an old song by Paul Simon: Kathy's Song. There is a line in it..."And from the shelter of my mind, Through the window of my eyes, I gaze beyond the rain drenched streets To England where my heart lies..."
It is strange when you love a place that you know you don't belong in. In some ways it's like loving someone you know isn't right for you. It's not that I don't fit in with England. Oh contrare! It simply means that England is not where I belong...for now. Even if my heart is there in many ways. I also love Tacoma and I'm glad to be here.
And someday...I'd like to go to the far reaches of the earth again...even farther...to places like the South Pacific...maybe Vanuatu. I still dream. I still hope and pray and wonder and dream.
I still dream.
Constantly I am faced with this question of singleness...and given enough time (though it rarely takes much), the answer goes back to praising God for it. I have to know, without a shadow of doubt, that if I do marry, it will be a part of my calling. How can I put marriage above being a missionary? I know with such certainty that I cannot. No matter how hard I try, no matter how often I wander...(prone to wander, Lord, I feel it)...God always brings me back to that night in a parking lot in a city called Seattle...the night He made it clear that I am called to be a servant of Jesus Christ...a missionary. How well have I stewarded what I've been given in light of this calling? In truth, not well.
I am in Tacoma, an amazing place to be a light of Christ. Yet my thoughts wander...from the shelter of my mind, through the window of my eyes I gaze beyond the rain drenched streets to England where my heart lies...and to other places...to the whole of Europe, and to Africa...and to the South Pacific.
May I praise and honor God from where I my feet are already planted.
When it's late like this, I think too much. I think about things that make me melancholy like Preston or England. I've been sorting through my music for the last few hours because I have a show coming up on Wednesday, and I came across an old song by Paul Simon: Kathy's Song. There is a line in it..."And from the shelter of my mind, Through the window of my eyes, I gaze beyond the rain drenched streets To England where my heart lies..."
It is strange when you love a place that you know you don't belong in. In some ways it's like loving someone you know isn't right for you. It's not that I don't fit in with England. Oh contrare! It simply means that England is not where I belong...for now. Even if my heart is there in many ways. I also love Tacoma and I'm glad to be here.
And someday...I'd like to go to the far reaches of the earth again...even farther...to places like the South Pacific...maybe Vanuatu. I still dream. I still hope and pray and wonder and dream.
I still dream.
Constantly I am faced with this question of singleness...and given enough time (though it rarely takes much), the answer goes back to praising God for it. I have to know, without a shadow of doubt, that if I do marry, it will be a part of my calling. How can I put marriage above being a missionary? I know with such certainty that I cannot. No matter how hard I try, no matter how often I wander...(prone to wander, Lord, I feel it)...God always brings me back to that night in a parking lot in a city called Seattle...the night He made it clear that I am called to be a servant of Jesus Christ...a missionary. How well have I stewarded what I've been given in light of this calling? In truth, not well.
I am in Tacoma, an amazing place to be a light of Christ. Yet my thoughts wander...from the shelter of my mind, through the window of my eyes I gaze beyond the rain drenched streets to England where my heart lies...and to other places...to the whole of Europe, and to Africa...and to the South Pacific.
May I praise and honor God from where I my feet are already planted.
Dec 15, 2010
Tonight I will share, without going into detail, that I've arrived at a place...and looking back at not only the last 12 weeks but also the last few years, this place would have all the appearance of being the end of a journey. Yet I know, in reality, I have only begun this journey.
I have focused so much of my attention...in this little life of mine...to controlling as much of it as possible. And as much as I believed I could have that control, I never did. I believed I controlled my relationships, though in a way that rarely (if ever) appeared aggressive...merely that I always held people a safe distance from me, giving them some hope of vulnerability and dependence, but never delivering. I believed I controlled my finances...but it has proved time and time again that really I've given my finances control over me. I believed I controlled my destiny...mostly in seemingly subtle ways; ways that probably most everyone thinks they OUGHT to control it. I even believed that perhaps I could control my emotions, which never worked well because instead of stewarding them, I simply pushed them into some deep cavern that, when overfull, only forced my emotions out in selfish ways. I was never in control. And I never will be.
There was a time when this troubled me. Now it overjoys me. I have peace because not only do I believe God is control, but (and this is key) I believe God is GOOD. And GENEROUS. And FAITHFUL. And FORGIVING. And....I believe, truly...that He does love me. And He loves well. All this time, by my actions, I was telling God that I knew better than He what is best for me...and time and time again I proved such a statement to be a lie.
Now, Lord, can I simply rejoice that YOU ARE AWESOME!? And who cares if things don't turn out the way I expect them to!? That's not the point! It's not all about ME!!! I'm NOT God! I complain because I'm selfish instead of joyfully trusting You, believing You are good, and serving because YOU SERVED US! Only when I seek Your presence and make it my treasure am I able to love others without seeking selfish gain. And that is what we do, isn't it? When we are honest with ourselves, we see how that is what we do. That is what I do, anyway, and I have a suspicion that I am far from being being alone in it.
So praise, God, all you saints! Praise Him! For He is good and His works are AWESOME!
I have focused so much of my attention...in this little life of mine...to controlling as much of it as possible. And as much as I believed I could have that control, I never did. I believed I controlled my relationships, though in a way that rarely (if ever) appeared aggressive...merely that I always held people a safe distance from me, giving them some hope of vulnerability and dependence, but never delivering. I believed I controlled my finances...but it has proved time and time again that really I've given my finances control over me. I believed I controlled my destiny...mostly in seemingly subtle ways; ways that probably most everyone thinks they OUGHT to control it. I even believed that perhaps I could control my emotions, which never worked well because instead of stewarding them, I simply pushed them into some deep cavern that, when overfull, only forced my emotions out in selfish ways. I was never in control. And I never will be.
There was a time when this troubled me. Now it overjoys me. I have peace because not only do I believe God is control, but (and this is key) I believe God is GOOD. And GENEROUS. And FAITHFUL. And FORGIVING. And....I believe, truly...that He does love me. And He loves well. All this time, by my actions, I was telling God that I knew better than He what is best for me...and time and time again I proved such a statement to be a lie.
Now, Lord, can I simply rejoice that YOU ARE AWESOME!? And who cares if things don't turn out the way I expect them to!? That's not the point! It's not all about ME!!! I'm NOT God! I complain because I'm selfish instead of joyfully trusting You, believing You are good, and serving because YOU SERVED US! Only when I seek Your presence and make it my treasure am I able to love others without seeking selfish gain. And that is what we do, isn't it? When we are honest with ourselves, we see how that is what we do. That is what I do, anyway, and I have a suspicion that I am far from being being alone in it.
So praise, God, all you saints! Praise Him! For He is good and His works are AWESOME!
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