Tonight I will share, without going into detail, that I've arrived at a place...and looking back at not only the last 12 weeks but also the last few years, this place would have all the appearance of being the end of a journey. Yet I know, in reality, I have only begun this journey.
I have focused so much of my attention...in this little life of mine...to controlling as much of it as possible. And as much as I believed I could have that control, I never did. I believed I controlled my relationships, though in a way that rarely (if ever) appeared aggressive...merely that I always held people a safe distance from me, giving them some hope of vulnerability and dependence, but never delivering. I believed I controlled my finances...but it has proved time and time again that really I've given my finances control over me. I believed I controlled my destiny...mostly in seemingly subtle ways; ways that probably most everyone thinks they OUGHT to control it. I even believed that perhaps I could control my emotions, which never worked well because instead of stewarding them, I simply pushed them into some deep cavern that, when overfull, only forced my emotions out in selfish ways. I was never in control. And I never will be.
There was a time when this troubled me. Now it overjoys me. I have peace because not only do I believe God is control, but (and this is key) I believe God is GOOD. And GENEROUS. And FAITHFUL. And FORGIVING. And....I believe, truly...that He does love me. And He loves well. All this time, by my actions, I was telling God that I knew better than He what is best for me...and time and time again I proved such a statement to be a lie.
Now, Lord, can I simply rejoice that YOU ARE AWESOME!? And who cares if things don't turn out the way I expect them to!? That's not the point! It's not all about ME!!! I'm NOT God! I complain because I'm selfish instead of joyfully trusting You, believing You are good, and serving because YOU SERVED US! Only when I seek Your presence and make it my treasure am I able to love others without seeking selfish gain. And that is what we do, isn't it? When we are honest with ourselves, we see how that is what we do. That is what I do, anyway, and I have a suspicion that I am far from being being alone in it.
So praise, God, all you saints! Praise Him! For He is good and His works are AWESOME!
Dec 15, 2010
Nov 23, 2010
Good Ol' Poetry
Today I came across some old poetry I wrote back in the day. It got me into a bit of an introspective mood. I'm hoping more poetry will come out of it.
For old times sake, here's a few of the originals:
-Untitled Original
Behind the window pane lives a silent black.
No rustling of trees or footsteps down the walk.
Only a dark that is so alive it stalks;
Waiting behind the double curtains of glass
Until this room’s dim candle is not wax but only wick;
And its light fades in to a quick puff of stale-smelling smoke.
Then it will consume me in my bed
And drain me of life,
And run its smooth fingers across my face,
Coaxing me into some dream laced coma.
-Another Untitled Original
thumping, thumping
comes the rain
like millions of fists
conquering the roof
of a two-hundred year old church;
the seige
goes unnoticed
by the young church musicians,
self-proclaimed missionaries,
over the clang and clash and bang
- budump, budump -
on the snare! on the bass!
striking keys! power chords!
vibrato, vibraaaato, VIBRAAAAATOOOO!
in Jesus name!
all worshipping
the rhythm, the melody
fashioned by the hands of adam.
all...
...but one lad?
in the corner, tucked away on the sill,
ear pressed against cold charged glass,
fascinated
with the sound
that rain makes
when interuppted
by a window.
just one lad?
unconvinced?
- maybe -
day dreaming
of breaking away
from a wild truth that has
become
"institutionalised";
a freedom that has
become
"boxed in";
a renewing that has
become
"mainstreamed";
something deeper
made shallow or
adam has tried
to build with
bricks of humanity.
just one lad?
nay.
there are five
windows
for sitting
on each side
of the two-hundred year old church.
one for me
and a spare ear
to press
and listen.
-This Woman’s Resignation
In early October I drew me a bath
(Because taking a bath is a rarity).
Laying still in the tub, under my breath,
I murmured past words of clarity.
And soaking in thoughts, I drew a request
And exhaled my earnest submission.
“God of heaven, let me resign
To a life of simple ambition.”
-The Feisty Boiler
The boiler in my room gargled, spat and creeped
With the purpose to wake me
From my beautifying sleep
In order that I might call on a young man.
Who? I did not know,
For there are three of them.
So I hissed back instead.
And tossed the quilt over my head.
More sleep and more dreams; more bed.
Then again the boiler popped and whistled.
“Not again,” I said.
“Again and again,” he knocked.
“Wake up and call your friend.”
Defeated, I rose, but hooted back,
“I do not even know which of them to call!”
With authority he rumbled,
“Call them all!”
“Call them all?
I suppose there ARE just three.
But it is late where they are
And they’d not care to speak.”
“Call them all! Call them all!
I say it again, just call!”
So I rang up the first and probably my closest,
But my friend did not answer.
(For surely this was hopeless.)
Then I dialed the second, a good friend indeed.
But without even a ring
It went straight to his message machine.
Finally, the third I was sure would not care
If he heard my voice
Or had I words to share.
But I rang him because certainly
The boiler was miffed I had waited.
And he’d probably hiss more if I hesitated.
Then…
“Hello” came his voice, deep and tired.
I was startled. Lost my pride.
“I know it’s late where you are
and you’re probably sleeping,
but my boiler is gargling, spatting and creeping.”
“Now is perfect because I’ve nothing to do,
And I’ll always welcome a call from you.”
So we chatted for hours,
Nearly three,
I left him encouraged.
He strengthened me.
And to think,
I would have slept instead
if not for the boiler banging next to my bed.
-On Letters To A Friend
I’ve written letters that live in an envelope
Tucked away in a book near my bed.
I won’t tell you what they say,
Though someday
You’ll know. You’ll have read.
What scares me? What I write.
They are more than words to a friend.
Though unattached and whimsical;
Not analytical;
Meaning bends when I bend.
Don’t trust curves of ink on paper.
Trust how I have proven
I’ll remain ever so loyal –
Never to spoil
The threads we’ve together woven.
For old times sake, here's a few of the originals:
-Untitled Original
Behind the window pane lives a silent black.
No rustling of trees or footsteps down the walk.
Only a dark that is so alive it stalks;
Waiting behind the double curtains of glass
Until this room’s dim candle is not wax but only wick;
And its light fades in to a quick puff of stale-smelling smoke.
Then it will consume me in my bed
And drain me of life,
And run its smooth fingers across my face,
Coaxing me into some dream laced coma.
-Another Untitled Original
thumping, thumping
comes the rain
like millions of fists
conquering the roof
of a two-hundred year old church;
the seige
goes unnoticed
by the young church musicians,
self-proclaimed missionaries,
over the clang and clash and bang
- budump, budump -
on the snare! on the bass!
striking keys! power chords!
vibrato, vibraaaato, VIBRAAAAATOOOO!
in Jesus name!
all worshipping
the rhythm, the melody
fashioned by the hands of adam.
all...
...but one lad?
in the corner, tucked away on the sill,
ear pressed against cold charged glass,
fascinated
with the sound
that rain makes
when interuppted
by a window.
just one lad?
unconvinced?
- maybe -
day dreaming
of breaking away
from a wild truth that has
become
"institutionalised";
a freedom that has
become
"boxed in";
a renewing that has
become
"mainstreamed";
something deeper
made shallow or
adam has tried
to build with
bricks of humanity.
just one lad?
nay.
there are five
windows
for sitting
on each side
of the two-hundred year old church.
one for me
and a spare ear
to press
and listen.
-This Woman’s Resignation
In early October I drew me a bath
(Because taking a bath is a rarity).
Laying still in the tub, under my breath,
I murmured past words of clarity.
And soaking in thoughts, I drew a request
And exhaled my earnest submission.
“God of heaven, let me resign
To a life of simple ambition.”
-The Feisty Boiler
The boiler in my room gargled, spat and creeped
With the purpose to wake me
From my beautifying sleep
In order that I might call on a young man.
Who? I did not know,
For there are three of them.
So I hissed back instead.
And tossed the quilt over my head.
More sleep and more dreams; more bed.
Then again the boiler popped and whistled.
“Not again,” I said.
“Again and again,” he knocked.
“Wake up and call your friend.”
Defeated, I rose, but hooted back,
“I do not even know which of them to call!”
With authority he rumbled,
“Call them all!”
“Call them all?
I suppose there ARE just three.
But it is late where they are
And they’d not care to speak.”
“Call them all! Call them all!
I say it again, just call!”
So I rang up the first and probably my closest,
But my friend did not answer.
(For surely this was hopeless.)
Then I dialed the second, a good friend indeed.
But without even a ring
It went straight to his message machine.
Finally, the third I was sure would not care
If he heard my voice
Or had I words to share.
But I rang him because certainly
The boiler was miffed I had waited.
And he’d probably hiss more if I hesitated.
Then…
“Hello” came his voice, deep and tired.
I was startled. Lost my pride.
“I know it’s late where you are
and you’re probably sleeping,
but my boiler is gargling, spatting and creeping.”
“Now is perfect because I’ve nothing to do,
And I’ll always welcome a call from you.”
So we chatted for hours,
Nearly three,
I left him encouraged.
He strengthened me.
And to think,
I would have slept instead
if not for the boiler banging next to my bed.
-On Letters To A Friend
I’ve written letters that live in an envelope
Tucked away in a book near my bed.
I won’t tell you what they say,
Though someday
You’ll know. You’ll have read.
What scares me? What I write.
They are more than words to a friend.
Though unattached and whimsical;
Not analytical;
Meaning bends when I bend.
Don’t trust curves of ink on paper.
Trust how I have proven
I’ll remain ever so loyal –
Never to spoil
The threads we’ve together woven.
Mar 15, 2010
Back by popular demand...?
As requested by Scott Schubert, I am writing a new blog.
It's such a beautiful day out today. I ought to go for a walk around the woods instead of staying in this office. I have been debating this very thing, actually, for some time. I say to myself, "Oh, you HAVE to go outside. It will be lovely and days like this are very rare this time of year." And the other side of it is that I have a sermon I have been trying to concentrate on for the past several hours. I quite enjoy working on this sermon (it is on 1 Corinthians 9:19-23), but maybe I could do with a break.
Come to think of it, a nice walk might really get me centered on the Lord and 'fix my gaze upon Him' all the better. Or just give me a bit of peace.
I am no stranger to finding comfort and rest in nature. I can recall several occasions (and a far many more are lost to the past and will never come to mind) when I have been greatly affected by the richness of God's character revealed in forests, lakes, oceans, skies, valleys, plains, etc. Perhaps that is why I enjoy living in the Northwest so much. There is no shortage of natural beauty in this blessed place.
I will refer to a time when I was struggling with trusting the Lord...which seems to be a common theme not only in my life, but in humanity. I was sat next to a very large lake outside of Leavenworth (here in Washington) mumbling whatever in prayer to Him. It was next to that lake that I found a certain peace; that in witnessing even just the vastness of a lake that was nothing compared to an ocean, I somehow understood that God is not only trustworthy, but also MIGHTY. So mighty, in fact, that the burdens which weighed on my shoulder at the time were hardly a weight to be noticed by Him. And yes, He could carry them perfectly well. Whatever pity party I may have been having at the time were silenced by His creation.
Good on Him.
I will end this note with something that has NOTHING to do with what I've just written: I started watching the Vicar of Dibley last night again and I have to tell you...it is still my favorite show of all time.
That's all for now - off to spend a few minutes outside!!!
It's such a beautiful day out today. I ought to go for a walk around the woods instead of staying in this office. I have been debating this very thing, actually, for some time. I say to myself, "Oh, you HAVE to go outside. It will be lovely and days like this are very rare this time of year." And the other side of it is that I have a sermon I have been trying to concentrate on for the past several hours. I quite enjoy working on this sermon (it is on 1 Corinthians 9:19-23), but maybe I could do with a break.
Come to think of it, a nice walk might really get me centered on the Lord and 'fix my gaze upon Him' all the better. Or just give me a bit of peace.
I am no stranger to finding comfort and rest in nature. I can recall several occasions (and a far many more are lost to the past and will never come to mind) when I have been greatly affected by the richness of God's character revealed in forests, lakes, oceans, skies, valleys, plains, etc. Perhaps that is why I enjoy living in the Northwest so much. There is no shortage of natural beauty in this blessed place.
I will refer to a time when I was struggling with trusting the Lord...which seems to be a common theme not only in my life, but in humanity. I was sat next to a very large lake outside of Leavenworth (here in Washington) mumbling whatever in prayer to Him. It was next to that lake that I found a certain peace; that in witnessing even just the vastness of a lake that was nothing compared to an ocean, I somehow understood that God is not only trustworthy, but also MIGHTY. So mighty, in fact, that the burdens which weighed on my shoulder at the time were hardly a weight to be noticed by Him. And yes, He could carry them perfectly well. Whatever pity party I may have been having at the time were silenced by His creation.
Good on Him.
I will end this note with something that has NOTHING to do with what I've just written: I started watching the Vicar of Dibley last night again and I have to tell you...it is still my favorite show of all time.
That's all for now - off to spend a few minutes outside!!!
Dec 3, 2009
For anyone with a liturgical background (as Matt Edwards would say), this is the season of advent. You know, advent being the first coming of Christ. And for probably many of you, this season is marked by little calendars filled with cheap chocolates, advent candles that you burn a centimeter a day, the cutting down and decorating of Christmas trees, party planning, and most of all...Christmas shopping. Oh joy. Christmas shopping. I hope that you detect that sense of dread in my voice.
I will admit that in the past I have loved Christmas shopping. But as I have grown older, had more people to shop for and less time to do it, I've come to despise it. It's not that I don't like the whole gifting thing. I actually LOVE that part, which is why I enjoyed it in the first place. But I'm coming to feel as though I've lost something along the way. It seems somehow meaningless to go out and buy a gift for someone for the sake of buying a gift. And I have that presence of a sort of evil hanging over my head that says, "they're not even going to appreciate it anyway." I mean, let's be honest: how many of us get gifts at Christmas and think, "Crap. I wouldn't normally be caught dead in this sweater, but I'm going to have to wear it once or twice, aren't I?" or "What in the world would I even do with such a thing as this? It's perfectly useless to me. But I'll keep it around for a year or two so it seems I got some use out of it before I accidentally misplace it," or "Not this again?" Yeah...that's what I thought.
You know people mean well. The problem is that we often do (truly truly) buy just to give something. Whether it's out of tradition or a sense of obligation or competition or even out of good heartedness. Doesn't it all, deep down, just feel meaningless?
The excitement over the iPod wears off in a few weeks. Or the new phone is great, but it's only a matter of months before you're finding reasons why you hate the darn thing and are looking for something else (or sometimes in a matter of days). Have we lost sight of the bigger picture? Not just for Christmas. No, I don't mean that. I mean for life?
It's not about getting things. It's not about abundance or having all that we want or being comfortable. At least not if you're a Christian. We live in abundance in America. Even if you are homeless, you still have more than a lot of people in the world living in complete poverty; in countries where there are the poor...and the poorer. We get it into our heads that we need things...things that we really don't need. And sometimes we even get mad at God when we don't get them.
How many of you have been frustrated with Him because you didn't get a job that you wanted when you were struggling to make ends meet? And in the same case, how many of you have felt that certain jobs were beneath you so you didn't even consider them? How many of you have ever complained about your car? But then not realizing that less than 10% of the world's population even owns a car?
I complain about not having health insurance all the time. But if I needed to see a doctor, there are plenty available and I can probably afford a visit and some antibiotics without feeling to uncomfortable. If I couldn't, there are free clinics and clinics that offer health care on a sliding scale. And even so, there are my parents who, if I really needed it, would take care of me. Even people in my church would probably donate toward a large medical bill if I needed surgery or something of that nature. Yet roughly 270 million children in the world have NO access to health care at all. NO ACCESS. This puts things in perspective for me a little bit.
I have never gone a day where I've had to think: "How will I eat?" Not one day. I may have gone a day without eating because I was sick or fasting or forgetful. But I have never had to ask the question of 'how'...I will eat. Have you?
I was challenged this past Thanksgiving: you know, the holiday celebrates our abundance. And that is fine. It is good to be thankful and celebrate abundance, but I was challenged to not stop it at that. Instead...should I not be giving out of that abundance? I'm not rich by American standards. In fact, if you really want to know, I make less than $1000 a month. But I still consider myself to live in abundance. My needs are met. I have food. I have clean water. I have shelter. I much more. I have a car that works. I have enough money each month to go out to eat or sit in a cafe regularly. I have a mobile phone. I have netflix (I love netflix). I have a laptop, which I am typing on as we speak. I have too many clothes, even though I've already gotten rid of almost half of them. I have two jobs. I have cable tv where I live AND wifi. I have two guitars. I have three coats, one anorak and one really nice fleece jacket. I have too many shoes. I have a tv and a dvd player. I have a large room that is bigger than a space a family might share in a developing country. I have a credit card. I have heat in my home...
The list goes on and on and on and the more I think about it, the more I know I could add. And the more I add, the more I realize how much abundance I live in...and I am still considered poor by American standards. I find this laughable. I dare you to make a list of all the things you own. Feel free to clump things like clothes and shoes together. It doesn't matter. You'll still probably have a ridiculously long list. If that doesn't get you to think, I don't know what will.
So anyway...here is my greatest challenge: don't make Christmas about having more stuff. Make it about giving...to people who need it. Christ didn't come to heal the healthy and feed the wealthy. He came to heal the sick and feed the poor.
Pray about how you can give out of abundance this year. Visit www.adventconspiracy.org, www.worldvision.org, www.ijm.org, www.mochaclub.org, and www.kiva.org for more information and ways you can help.
I will admit that in the past I have loved Christmas shopping. But as I have grown older, had more people to shop for and less time to do it, I've come to despise it. It's not that I don't like the whole gifting thing. I actually LOVE that part, which is why I enjoyed it in the first place. But I'm coming to feel as though I've lost something along the way. It seems somehow meaningless to go out and buy a gift for someone for the sake of buying a gift. And I have that presence of a sort of evil hanging over my head that says, "they're not even going to appreciate it anyway." I mean, let's be honest: how many of us get gifts at Christmas and think, "Crap. I wouldn't normally be caught dead in this sweater, but I'm going to have to wear it once or twice, aren't I?" or "What in the world would I even do with such a thing as this? It's perfectly useless to me. But I'll keep it around for a year or two so it seems I got some use out of it before I accidentally misplace it," or "Not this again?" Yeah...that's what I thought.
You know people mean well. The problem is that we often do (truly truly) buy just to give something. Whether it's out of tradition or a sense of obligation or competition or even out of good heartedness. Doesn't it all, deep down, just feel meaningless?
The excitement over the iPod wears off in a few weeks. Or the new phone is great, but it's only a matter of months before you're finding reasons why you hate the darn thing and are looking for something else (or sometimes in a matter of days). Have we lost sight of the bigger picture? Not just for Christmas. No, I don't mean that. I mean for life?
It's not about getting things. It's not about abundance or having all that we want or being comfortable. At least not if you're a Christian. We live in abundance in America. Even if you are homeless, you still have more than a lot of people in the world living in complete poverty; in countries where there are the poor...and the poorer. We get it into our heads that we need things...things that we really don't need. And sometimes we even get mad at God when we don't get them.
How many of you have been frustrated with Him because you didn't get a job that you wanted when you were struggling to make ends meet? And in the same case, how many of you have felt that certain jobs were beneath you so you didn't even consider them? How many of you have ever complained about your car? But then not realizing that less than 10% of the world's population even owns a car?
I complain about not having health insurance all the time. But if I needed to see a doctor, there are plenty available and I can probably afford a visit and some antibiotics without feeling to uncomfortable. If I couldn't, there are free clinics and clinics that offer health care on a sliding scale. And even so, there are my parents who, if I really needed it, would take care of me. Even people in my church would probably donate toward a large medical bill if I needed surgery or something of that nature. Yet roughly 270 million children in the world have NO access to health care at all. NO ACCESS. This puts things in perspective for me a little bit.
I have never gone a day where I've had to think: "How will I eat?" Not one day. I may have gone a day without eating because I was sick or fasting or forgetful. But I have never had to ask the question of 'how'...I will eat. Have you?
I was challenged this past Thanksgiving: you know, the holiday celebrates our abundance. And that is fine. It is good to be thankful and celebrate abundance, but I was challenged to not stop it at that. Instead...should I not be giving out of that abundance? I'm not rich by American standards. In fact, if you really want to know, I make less than $1000 a month. But I still consider myself to live in abundance. My needs are met. I have food. I have clean water. I have shelter. I much more. I have a car that works. I have enough money each month to go out to eat or sit in a cafe regularly. I have a mobile phone. I have netflix (I love netflix). I have a laptop, which I am typing on as we speak. I have too many clothes, even though I've already gotten rid of almost half of them. I have two jobs. I have cable tv where I live AND wifi. I have two guitars. I have three coats, one anorak and one really nice fleece jacket. I have too many shoes. I have a tv and a dvd player. I have a large room that is bigger than a space a family might share in a developing country. I have a credit card. I have heat in my home...
The list goes on and on and on and the more I think about it, the more I know I could add. And the more I add, the more I realize how much abundance I live in...and I am still considered poor by American standards. I find this laughable. I dare you to make a list of all the things you own. Feel free to clump things like clothes and shoes together. It doesn't matter. You'll still probably have a ridiculously long list. If that doesn't get you to think, I don't know what will.
So anyway...here is my greatest challenge: don't make Christmas about having more stuff. Make it about giving...to people who need it. Christ didn't come to heal the healthy and feed the wealthy. He came to heal the sick and feed the poor.
Pray about how you can give out of abundance this year. Visit www.adventconspiracy.org, www.worldvision.org, www.ijm.org, www.mochaclub.org, and www.kiva.org for more information and ways you can help.
Oct 2, 2009
Dear Lord,
I remember when I was younger I used to have these passionate conversations with you. I'd say things that were deep...all the time. And I'd have intimate relationships with other believers because we'd want to talk about you whenever we were together. You know what was really going on? I was in love with You. And now I've sort of forgotten that aspect of our relationship. It's sort of gone on the back burner because I'm relating to You more as a Father at the moment. But...I'm miss feeling more like You are a lover.
So, my prayer is to feel that way about you again. My prayer is to start having those intimate conversations again, with the appropriate people, of course. Whatever happened to them? He he. We'll get there together.
Love you.
Courtney
I remember when I was younger I used to have these passionate conversations with you. I'd say things that were deep...all the time. And I'd have intimate relationships with other believers because we'd want to talk about you whenever we were together. You know what was really going on? I was in love with You. And now I've sort of forgotten that aspect of our relationship. It's sort of gone on the back burner because I'm relating to You more as a Father at the moment. But...I'm miss feeling more like You are a lover.
So, my prayer is to feel that way about you again. My prayer is to start having those intimate conversations again, with the appropriate people, of course. Whatever happened to them? He he. We'll get there together.
Love you.
Courtney
Autumn!
I love autumn. I guess I'm truly from the Northwest. It's just that it makes me feel so nostalgic. You know, the crazy busy summer is over and I am reminded of all the time I get to spend with my family and close friends when the weather starts to turn cold. Dinners consisting of thick, hearty stews. Drinking chocolate warmed up on the stove with milk, whipped cream and marshmallows (or made for you at Forza, if you want to spend the money). Baking cookies and pies and other unhealthy things to give people as gifts because few people can resist sweets. And Thanksgiving with family! And Christmas. I enjoy Christmas so much more now that I'm older and it's not about the presents anymore. And the rain! I love the rain. Call me a true Northwesterner. I know it! Rain is a sign of blessing. So many people go without it that I'm so grateful for it. They way it makes the air smell. The way it feels when it hits my face. The puddles to splash in. And the laughs to be had when running through rain that soaks you to the core. Mmmm. I wish you could see the smile on my face.
But something more is going on. The change of seasons reminds me of the seasons of life. Leaves that once symbolized life, begin to die and fall away from the trees. Then the rain comes and just washes everything away, preparing the ground for new life in the spring. Perhaps in this season, you feel there are things which you have clinged to in the past (as trees cling to their leaves) that are beginning to wither and fall away. Maybe this a painful process. And perhaps you also feel that God is beginning to send rain upon, making this whole experience even harder...
In this time, may you be reminded to trust God. Just as leaves must die and be soaked into the ground to make way for new life, be blessed with the knowledge that for all things that God causes to die within us, He is sowing a new seed that will produce an even better fruit.
But something more is going on. The change of seasons reminds me of the seasons of life. Leaves that once symbolized life, begin to die and fall away from the trees. Then the rain comes and just washes everything away, preparing the ground for new life in the spring. Perhaps in this season, you feel there are things which you have clinged to in the past (as trees cling to their leaves) that are beginning to wither and fall away. Maybe this a painful process. And perhaps you also feel that God is beginning to send rain upon, making this whole experience even harder...
In this time, may you be reminded to trust God. Just as leaves must die and be soaked into the ground to make way for new life, be blessed with the knowledge that for all things that God causes to die within us, He is sowing a new seed that will produce an even better fruit.
Jul 7, 2009
My cousin ended his life about a week ago. He was in a coma for a little while and then finally...on Friday...he just went. He was only 15. Here...and then gone. Like that. Still just a little bird.
Someone once told me - a woman I'd never met before - that when she closed her eyes she saw this picture of me standing like a tree in the middle of a field and thousands upon thousands flocked to me. That they were drawn to me. On a seperate and unrelated occasion, another woman - this time one that I knew - told me that she also saw me as a tree with branches that spread into the sky; and that thousands of birds and animals came to me to find refuge...
When I think of my cousin, I think of how I wish I could have been a refuge to him. I think of how I wish I knew how to give him the kind of love that he needed. But even if I possess it, I wonder if he would have ever recieved it. There is something about holding a child who no body seems to want or notice or really care about - just to say I want you; I notice you; I really care about you. But only if it is genuine. Because a child deep down knows when it is not genuine. And such a knowledge creates a void in them...I believe. Or maybe I don't know anything at all and I'm simply processing why my 15 year old cousin felt that ending his life was his only option.
I have no words of wisdom to offer in this situation. I have to deep insight - other than to say that I know, without a doubt, that God loved that boy more than any of us could ever understand or realize. And that his pain was also God's.
This has changed my life. It has made me contemplative about things which I have chosen to so much ignore in the past. It has made me realize that in this one...very short existence...we cannot compromise fullness of love for self indulgence. I do not know what day I shall pass on to glory. Why waste my life trying to aquire something that I will never take with me in the end anyhow? On that day all I will have is the life I lived. And I'd most like to look back on it with gratitude and a confidence that I did the best I could to live it right. That I lived it pouring myself out of love. And to do that, I must be full of my Maker's love.
I wish I poured more of my love out onto that boy. But I can't go back. Now I must go forward with what I now know and...do the best I can.
Right? If only this grief were not so heavy. Preston, wherever you are, you must know that you have changed me.
Someone once told me - a woman I'd never met before - that when she closed her eyes she saw this picture of me standing like a tree in the middle of a field and thousands upon thousands flocked to me. That they were drawn to me. On a seperate and unrelated occasion, another woman - this time one that I knew - told me that she also saw me as a tree with branches that spread into the sky; and that thousands of birds and animals came to me to find refuge...
When I think of my cousin, I think of how I wish I could have been a refuge to him. I think of how I wish I knew how to give him the kind of love that he needed. But even if I possess it, I wonder if he would have ever recieved it. There is something about holding a child who no body seems to want or notice or really care about - just to say I want you; I notice you; I really care about you. But only if it is genuine. Because a child deep down knows when it is not genuine. And such a knowledge creates a void in them...I believe. Or maybe I don't know anything at all and I'm simply processing why my 15 year old cousin felt that ending his life was his only option.
I have no words of wisdom to offer in this situation. I have to deep insight - other than to say that I know, without a doubt, that God loved that boy more than any of us could ever understand or realize. And that his pain was also God's.
This has changed my life. It has made me contemplative about things which I have chosen to so much ignore in the past. It has made me realize that in this one...very short existence...we cannot compromise fullness of love for self indulgence. I do not know what day I shall pass on to glory. Why waste my life trying to aquire something that I will never take with me in the end anyhow? On that day all I will have is the life I lived. And I'd most like to look back on it with gratitude and a confidence that I did the best I could to live it right. That I lived it pouring myself out of love. And to do that, I must be full of my Maker's love.
I wish I poured more of my love out onto that boy. But I can't go back. Now I must go forward with what I now know and...do the best I can.
Right? If only this grief were not so heavy. Preston, wherever you are, you must know that you have changed me.
Jun 21, 2009
The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
20
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
20
May 12, 2009
Mark Driscoll's 8 Questions to Determine How Humble You Are...
These questions are taken from Mark Driscoll's 05-12-09 sermon on Humility. I recommend listening to the audio sermon online, which can be found at marshillchurch.org. These questions are best coupled with the sermon. But they are okay to use on their own.
Before you look at these questions, you need to know that they should not be simply looked over and answered yes or no. These are questions that require deep thought and self-examination. Mark Driscoll advices people to take these questions to their closest friends and work colleagues; have such people answer these questions on one's behalf. Whatever you decide to do with them, make sure to take them to heart. The parenthesis are my own expansions of the questions for clarity.
1) Are you teachable? (Do you take what others are teaching you into heavy consideration, or do you think you know it all?)
2) How do you respond to correction and rebuke? (Do you get defensive or are you willing to listen and take on board correction and rebuke?)
3) Do you repent quickly and thoroughly? (How quick are you to apologize? How willing are you to apologize? Do you apologize without expectation from the other party to do the same?)
4) Are you considerate of other people? (Think of specific examples, even things like driving conduct and sharing your opinions.)
5) Do you serve and recieve service well? (Are you willing to serve for the sake of service? Do you let others serve and help you, or does your pride get in the way?)
6) Are you consistantly aware of God's grace in your life? (Do you know that you are a sinner? Are you aware of your sins, strengths, weaknesses? Are you thankful for God's graces?)
7) Do you disagree agreeably? (Are you constantly opinionated? Do you feel that you need to be right? Or do you willingly listen to the opinions of others with an open mind and disagree graciously? Are you willing to admit that you may be wrong?)
8) How much attention and affirmation do you desire? (Do you get upset and angry when you haven't been affirmed consistently in ministry? Do you feel that you need to be recognized for what you do? Do you serve or lead because it makes you feel important and/or in control?)
Before you look at these questions, you need to know that they should not be simply looked over and answered yes or no. These are questions that require deep thought and self-examination. Mark Driscoll advices people to take these questions to their closest friends and work colleagues; have such people answer these questions on one's behalf. Whatever you decide to do with them, make sure to take them to heart. The parenthesis are my own expansions of the questions for clarity.
1) Are you teachable? (Do you take what others are teaching you into heavy consideration, or do you think you know it all?)
2) How do you respond to correction and rebuke? (Do you get defensive or are you willing to listen and take on board correction and rebuke?)
3) Do you repent quickly and thoroughly? (How quick are you to apologize? How willing are you to apologize? Do you apologize without expectation from the other party to do the same?)
4) Are you considerate of other people? (Think of specific examples, even things like driving conduct and sharing your opinions.)
5) Do you serve and recieve service well? (Are you willing to serve for the sake of service? Do you let others serve and help you, or does your pride get in the way?)
6) Are you consistantly aware of God's grace in your life? (Do you know that you are a sinner? Are you aware of your sins, strengths, weaknesses? Are you thankful for God's graces?)
7) Do you disagree agreeably? (Are you constantly opinionated? Do you feel that you need to be right? Or do you willingly listen to the opinions of others with an open mind and disagree graciously? Are you willing to admit that you may be wrong?)
8) How much attention and affirmation do you desire? (Do you get upset and angry when you haven't been affirmed consistently in ministry? Do you feel that you need to be recognized for what you do? Do you serve or lead because it makes you feel important and/or in control?)
Apr 16, 2009
A short note...
Today I was reminded that no matter how frustrating situations people can be, it is always about love. Seeing them as Christ sees them and then...loving them. When we think they "don't get it" or they are too immature or they're too selfish or they're just idiots...love.
The more we see them as Christ sees them, the less annoyed or frustrated or whatever we get. Because they stop being a thing in our lives or an inconvenience or there to serve what we want to accomplish...and they start being people. More than that, they start being children of God with heartaches and needs and problems and desires and hopes and mistakes and insecurities and...
...a special purpose...
...just like me.
Remember to love today. Remember to see each other as Christ does.
The more we see them as Christ sees them, the less annoyed or frustrated or whatever we get. Because they stop being a thing in our lives or an inconvenience or there to serve what we want to accomplish...and they start being people. More than that, they start being children of God with heartaches and needs and problems and desires and hopes and mistakes and insecurities and...
...a special purpose...
...just like me.
Remember to love today. Remember to see each other as Christ does.
Apr 10, 2009
Spiritual Healing
Last night I presented a sermon on Matthew 9:1-8. I focused on spiritual healing vs. physical healing. After the sermon, I was approached by a small handful of people telling me how significant the message was. It was then that I realized perhaps I need to address this to more than just the youth group.
An overview of the passage: it is about a paralytic who was carried by his friends to a gathering where Jesus was teaching. Their hope was to get their friend healed. But when they reached the house where the gathering was, they could not get in. So they dug a hole in the roof and lowered their buddy in. Seeing the faith of the friends, Jesus said to the paralytic, "Son, your sins are forgiven." But of course the Pharisees were bitter in their hearts and secretly accused Jesus of blasphemy. Sensing this, Jesus called them out and said, "Which is easier to say: 'Your sins are forgiven' or 'Get up, take your mat, and go home'? But so that you may know I have the authority to forgive sins - son, get up, take your mat, and go home." So the paralytic got up, took his mat, and went home. And God was glorified.
Now whenever I used to read this I always felt that it should be harder to heal a man of his physical ailments. "Isn't forgiveness of sins easy?" But I did not realize the significance God's forgiveness of our sins actually is.
You know, last fall I took a blow to my health. In such a short period of time I developed severe tendinitis in both hands/arms. It was so devastating, it was like hitting a brick wall. I had to drop out of massage therapy school, quit my job as a barista, stop playing guitar, and even everyday tasks like writing, cleaning, driving, putting on make up and doing my hair became very painful. I did not understand why I was going through such a thing. I prayed constantly that God would heal me physically. Eventually, I grew bitter and hopeless.
But during the time that my hands got worse and worse, something strange happened. I had to start dealing with the fact that I was getting bitter, that my heart was breaking, and that I was sick of being disappointed. And in the midst of dealing with it, I was forced to face sins, heartaches, disappointments, unforgiveness and resentment from the past - things which I'd been holding on to, and refused to deal with before. And though it was painful, I began to heal in a very spiritual way.
I had a break through one night a few months ago. I sat alone in my room and for hours upon hours I prayed through my sins that I'd not confessed, through hurts that I'd not yet forgiven (even forgiving myself), and disappointments that I held against God or others. As I worked through my spiritual ailments, a heavy burden began to lift. I knew God was mending significant wounds. And at the end of the night, I felt God placing a promise in my heart. As if He were saying, "Courtney, now I am not only going to heal you spiritually, but now I am also going to heal you physically. Keep praying for it."
Since, I have continued my journey of spiritual healing. I have grown significantly from my physical disease and have learned to rely on God in new and wonderful ways. But guess what? He's also been healing me physically! My tendinitis is nearly gone, to the point that my doctor said I may even be able to return to massage school soon. Praise God!
But you see, it was important that I realized that spiritual healing is far more significant than physical healing. We focus so much on the physical. Yet the physical will soon pass. Spiritual healing is eternal, while physical healing is only temporary. We are all going to die one day. We are all getting old and our bodies are deteriorating. In our youth we may have our physical health, but it will soon fade. Whereas our spiritual health will remain with us throughout our lives and we will reap a reward in heaven for our pursuit of godliness.
I want to challenge you that if the idea of your health deteriorating is actually quite a frightening thought to you, perhaps you need to give that to God. While physical health is important (I won't deny that, it certainly helps us to be capable of more), it can become an idol like anything else.
When you look back on your life, how will you have lived it? Will you have wasted your time and energy and heart and focus on the pursuit of physical things? Wealth, status, appearance? All of these things will die with you and never give you life. Or will you see that you pursued God, love, godliness? If you pursue God with your utmost diligence in your life, you will plant seeds of love and hope and goodness in the lives you touch, even if you never know it. You will live life to its fullest because you will know what life is truly about. As you strive to give over to God the junk in your life, you will have richer relationships, deeper love, and fully appreciation. Your needs will become simple and your heart grow more delighted in Him.
It all starts with prayer. Pray, pray, pray, pray to Him. Listen to Him speak to you. Tell Him anything and everything. Pour your heart out to Him. Prayer is the most amazing tool we have - it is direct communication with God. And though it is hard often, persevere. Persevere because He will guide your way through prayer.
I will end this blog with a verse:
"...Train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, BUT godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." 1 Timothy 4:7b-8
Amen.
An overview of the passage: it is about a paralytic who was carried by his friends to a gathering where Jesus was teaching. Their hope was to get their friend healed. But when they reached the house where the gathering was, they could not get in. So they dug a hole in the roof and lowered their buddy in. Seeing the faith of the friends, Jesus said to the paralytic, "Son, your sins are forgiven." But of course the Pharisees were bitter in their hearts and secretly accused Jesus of blasphemy. Sensing this, Jesus called them out and said, "Which is easier to say: 'Your sins are forgiven' or 'Get up, take your mat, and go home'? But so that you may know I have the authority to forgive sins - son, get up, take your mat, and go home." So the paralytic got up, took his mat, and went home. And God was glorified.
Now whenever I used to read this I always felt that it should be harder to heal a man of his physical ailments. "Isn't forgiveness of sins easy?" But I did not realize the significance God's forgiveness of our sins actually is.
You know, last fall I took a blow to my health. In such a short period of time I developed severe tendinitis in both hands/arms. It was so devastating, it was like hitting a brick wall. I had to drop out of massage therapy school, quit my job as a barista, stop playing guitar, and even everyday tasks like writing, cleaning, driving, putting on make up and doing my hair became very painful. I did not understand why I was going through such a thing. I prayed constantly that God would heal me physically. Eventually, I grew bitter and hopeless.
But during the time that my hands got worse and worse, something strange happened. I had to start dealing with the fact that I was getting bitter, that my heart was breaking, and that I was sick of being disappointed. And in the midst of dealing with it, I was forced to face sins, heartaches, disappointments, unforgiveness and resentment from the past - things which I'd been holding on to, and refused to deal with before. And though it was painful, I began to heal in a very spiritual way.
I had a break through one night a few months ago. I sat alone in my room and for hours upon hours I prayed through my sins that I'd not confessed, through hurts that I'd not yet forgiven (even forgiving myself), and disappointments that I held against God or others. As I worked through my spiritual ailments, a heavy burden began to lift. I knew God was mending significant wounds. And at the end of the night, I felt God placing a promise in my heart. As if He were saying, "Courtney, now I am not only going to heal you spiritually, but now I am also going to heal you physically. Keep praying for it."
Since, I have continued my journey of spiritual healing. I have grown significantly from my physical disease and have learned to rely on God in new and wonderful ways. But guess what? He's also been healing me physically! My tendinitis is nearly gone, to the point that my doctor said I may even be able to return to massage school soon. Praise God!
But you see, it was important that I realized that spiritual healing is far more significant than physical healing. We focus so much on the physical. Yet the physical will soon pass. Spiritual healing is eternal, while physical healing is only temporary. We are all going to die one day. We are all getting old and our bodies are deteriorating. In our youth we may have our physical health, but it will soon fade. Whereas our spiritual health will remain with us throughout our lives and we will reap a reward in heaven for our pursuit of godliness.
I want to challenge you that if the idea of your health deteriorating is actually quite a frightening thought to you, perhaps you need to give that to God. While physical health is important (I won't deny that, it certainly helps us to be capable of more), it can become an idol like anything else.
When you look back on your life, how will you have lived it? Will you have wasted your time and energy and heart and focus on the pursuit of physical things? Wealth, status, appearance? All of these things will die with you and never give you life. Or will you see that you pursued God, love, godliness? If you pursue God with your utmost diligence in your life, you will plant seeds of love and hope and goodness in the lives you touch, even if you never know it. You will live life to its fullest because you will know what life is truly about. As you strive to give over to God the junk in your life, you will have richer relationships, deeper love, and fully appreciation. Your needs will become simple and your heart grow more delighted in Him.
It all starts with prayer. Pray, pray, pray, pray to Him. Listen to Him speak to you. Tell Him anything and everything. Pour your heart out to Him. Prayer is the most amazing tool we have - it is direct communication with God. And though it is hard often, persevere. Persevere because He will guide your way through prayer.
I will end this blog with a verse:
"...Train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, BUT godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." 1 Timothy 4:7b-8
Amen.
Apr 4, 2009
Sabbath what?
Someone once told me there is this spiritual discipline called taking a Sabbath (day off). I was like, "What? What are you even talking about?"
Okay, maybe I wasn't like that. But it seems lately, especially in such a fast paced, financial-success driven society, relaxing has become a skill that needs to be learned for many people. I include myself in that. I love the idea of relaxing, but I've yet to figure out how to do it at will. On my days off I usually work on something, even when I don't need to. The idea of having nothing to do all day seems wasteful and horrible and awkward! But there is evidence that I need one when I have been sick with colds and flus for the past few months! My body is not getting enough rest by my will to stay healthy, so I'm forced into bed by bugs of all sorts having parties in my lungs and sinuses.
God gave us the Sabbath as a gift. He never needed us to take a Sabbath. Us working does not make Him angry. He loves a good work ethic. But He commanded us to take a Sabbath for us, and not for Him. He knows what is best for us. Yet we - I - think we know what is best for ourselves and so we work none stop. And guess what, weeks and months pass and one day we feel burnt out, our relationships seem strained, and most of all, something just doesn't seem right. Our relationship with God easily becomes distant and distracted when we don't take a day to let things be in His hands.
It's hard to take time off, and I'm not saying we need to be legalistic about it. But it's important to take time to ourselves, even if it's a few hours a day rather than one entire day. I mean, take one entire day a week if you can as often as possible, but sometimes it just doesn't practically play out. But my challenge for myself is to be intentional about the time I take to relax, enjoy friends and family, enjoy alone time, and especially to enjoy God. Some weeks I don't have a whole day, but I have a few hours a couple of mornings and one evening a week. So take that time to read my bible, pray, journal and catch up with people in my life. On Sundays after church I often head over to the local coffee shop for a board game or share a meal with close friends. Other Sundays I reserve time to just myself, and sit in a coffee shop or a book store for hours alone reading and journaling. If I can do it, you can to.
A good friend of mine always says that God has this way of giving back to us the time we give to him. When we think we don't have time to give Him an hour but do, we are surprised to find that we get done whatever we needed to get done with that hour anyway. Does that make sense? I hope so. Test it out. I bet you'll find it's true. Give Him an hour or two or three - completely undivided with the intention of resting in Him and enjoying His presence (and not as an excuse to procrastinate, thank you much). And I bet you will find that you get back whatever time you gave.
Grace and Peace from the Father through Christ.
Okay, maybe I wasn't like that. But it seems lately, especially in such a fast paced, financial-success driven society, relaxing has become a skill that needs to be learned for many people. I include myself in that. I love the idea of relaxing, but I've yet to figure out how to do it at will. On my days off I usually work on something, even when I don't need to. The idea of having nothing to do all day seems wasteful and horrible and awkward! But there is evidence that I need one when I have been sick with colds and flus for the past few months! My body is not getting enough rest by my will to stay healthy, so I'm forced into bed by bugs of all sorts having parties in my lungs and sinuses.
God gave us the Sabbath as a gift. He never needed us to take a Sabbath. Us working does not make Him angry. He loves a good work ethic. But He commanded us to take a Sabbath for us, and not for Him. He knows what is best for us. Yet we - I - think we know what is best for ourselves and so we work none stop. And guess what, weeks and months pass and one day we feel burnt out, our relationships seem strained, and most of all, something just doesn't seem right. Our relationship with God easily becomes distant and distracted when we don't take a day to let things be in His hands.
It's hard to take time off, and I'm not saying we need to be legalistic about it. But it's important to take time to ourselves, even if it's a few hours a day rather than one entire day. I mean, take one entire day a week if you can as often as possible, but sometimes it just doesn't practically play out. But my challenge for myself is to be intentional about the time I take to relax, enjoy friends and family, enjoy alone time, and especially to enjoy God. Some weeks I don't have a whole day, but I have a few hours a couple of mornings and one evening a week. So take that time to read my bible, pray, journal and catch up with people in my life. On Sundays after church I often head over to the local coffee shop for a board game or share a meal with close friends. Other Sundays I reserve time to just myself, and sit in a coffee shop or a book store for hours alone reading and journaling. If I can do it, you can to.
A good friend of mine always says that God has this way of giving back to us the time we give to him. When we think we don't have time to give Him an hour but do, we are surprised to find that we get done whatever we needed to get done with that hour anyway. Does that make sense? I hope so. Test it out. I bet you'll find it's true. Give Him an hour or two or three - completely undivided with the intention of resting in Him and enjoying His presence (and not as an excuse to procrastinate, thank you much). And I bet you will find that you get back whatever time you gave.
Grace and Peace from the Father through Christ.
Apr 3, 2009
Beauty in the Lowly
This past week I had the opportunity to visit Vancouver. Youth leaders from my church and I took eleven middle school students on a short term 'mission' trip. One of my colleagues refers to it more as an 'awareness raising' trip, though we did serve some ministries. We teamed up with YWAM (Youth With A Mission) Vancouver. The week was very powerful and I want to focus on a specific aspect of it.
We had an evening where one of the YWAM staff members, an awesome servant of the Lord named Ryan, shared with us about Human Trafficking and the Sex Trade Industry. I've worked some with this issue in my past when I myself was on staff with YWAM in Seattle, and traveled to work with YWAM in Thailand. This is a major issue for Thailand itself and has become something quite close to my heart. So when Ryan began discussion of this topic, I found myself getting very emotional. In fact, I wept quite a bit. I'm sure some of the students were confused about my reaction, but I doubt they were concerned.
Such an issue causes us to face the reality that a lot of women, men and children are made victims of a violent industry. They are forced into it usually with violence, threats, and rape. Children in not only foreign countries but even our own are sold into a modern day form of slavery by their parents or recruiting under false pretenses (with the promise of a good job in another city) only to be throw into the violent world of prostitution. And yet a blind eye is turned because people 'cannot handle such an ugly truth'.
We look down on prostitutes as the scum of the earth or as twisted women who are willing to sink low enough to subject themselves to a degrading profession. And yet we fail to see that they themselves are victims. They are victims of kidnapping, poverty, addiction, violence and rape. We see ugly. And God sees beauty. That's right. He sees beauty.
He sees His children, His beautiful children being used and used and used. And His heart breaks. Jesus reached out to prostitutes with love and grace and mercy, even in a time and culture that found this highly unacceptable. Jesus saw women and men who felt no worth and no beauty. And all He saw was the beautiful and loved children of God.
In Vancouver there are many things we might consider ugly. It became apparent to me by the cities division between 'ghetto' and 'high end'. The line is almost as clear as day and night - when walking the streets one would notice an immediate change from poverty to wealth within one block. The poor, the homeless, the drug addicts, the prostitutes, the desperate are being pushed and forced into one corner of the city so that they don't have to be seen; so that we can turn a blind eye to the 'ugly'. Yet God sees beauty in these people; His children.
I want to challenge you, like God has challenged me, to see the beauty in the places society considers ugly. To see beauty in the faces of men and women who are covered in dirt and grime and oil and shame. To see beauty in children of God who are made victims to addiction and violence and rape and poverty and the sins of others and the sins of themselves. And look yourself in the mirror today. Ask yourself what difference there is between you and lowest of the lowelys. Though your lifestyle me look different, are you really better than them? In the eyes of God, are you more important, more valuable, more beautiful? Or are you the same? Are we all, each and every one of us, poor and wealthy, dirty and clean, really just the same?
Yes. Yes, we are. And praise God for it.
(View blog on it's website www.ruggedbeauty.blogspot.com)
We had an evening where one of the YWAM staff members, an awesome servant of the Lord named Ryan, shared with us about Human Trafficking and the Sex Trade Industry. I've worked some with this issue in my past when I myself was on staff with YWAM in Seattle, and traveled to work with YWAM in Thailand. This is a major issue for Thailand itself and has become something quite close to my heart. So when Ryan began discussion of this topic, I found myself getting very emotional. In fact, I wept quite a bit. I'm sure some of the students were confused about my reaction, but I doubt they were concerned.
Such an issue causes us to face the reality that a lot of women, men and children are made victims of a violent industry. They are forced into it usually with violence, threats, and rape. Children in not only foreign countries but even our own are sold into a modern day form of slavery by their parents or recruiting under false pretenses (with the promise of a good job in another city) only to be throw into the violent world of prostitution. And yet a blind eye is turned because people 'cannot handle such an ugly truth'.
We look down on prostitutes as the scum of the earth or as twisted women who are willing to sink low enough to subject themselves to a degrading profession. And yet we fail to see that they themselves are victims. They are victims of kidnapping, poverty, addiction, violence and rape. We see ugly. And God sees beauty. That's right. He sees beauty.
He sees His children, His beautiful children being used and used and used. And His heart breaks. Jesus reached out to prostitutes with love and grace and mercy, even in a time and culture that found this highly unacceptable. Jesus saw women and men who felt no worth and no beauty. And all He saw was the beautiful and loved children of God.
In Vancouver there are many things we might consider ugly. It became apparent to me by the cities division between 'ghetto' and 'high end'. The line is almost as clear as day and night - when walking the streets one would notice an immediate change from poverty to wealth within one block. The poor, the homeless, the drug addicts, the prostitutes, the desperate are being pushed and forced into one corner of the city so that they don't have to be seen; so that we can turn a blind eye to the 'ugly'. Yet God sees beauty in these people; His children.
I want to challenge you, like God has challenged me, to see the beauty in the places society considers ugly. To see beauty in the faces of men and women who are covered in dirt and grime and oil and shame. To see beauty in children of God who are made victims to addiction and violence and rape and poverty and the sins of others and the sins of themselves. And look yourself in the mirror today. Ask yourself what difference there is between you and lowest of the lowelys. Though your lifestyle me look different, are you really better than them? In the eyes of God, are you more important, more valuable, more beautiful? Or are you the same? Are we all, each and every one of us, poor and wealthy, dirty and clean, really just the same?
Yes. Yes, we are. And praise God for it.
(View blog on it's website www.ruggedbeauty.blogspot.com)
Mar 26, 2009
Repeat after me: "Intentionally Creating Community..."
I've been thinking a lot about community lately. Any of my friends will tell you that I love to be around people, which is probably why I'm so addicted to ministry in the first place. I'm all about people - all about their hearts and souls and minds. I love to pour into them, love to spend time with them, love to get to know them. It's just who God has made me to be.
Lately, I've been playing a lot of games with friends. Not as in mental games, I'm mean literal games like Scatagories and chess (yeah, I actually played chess!) and Cranium. I suppose it all started in England when friends and I made a regular meeting out of playing Texas Hold 'Em. And then when I returned I seemed to befriend people who had to play games when they got together. So now I find myself sending out texts every Sunday asking who might be up for a board game at the local coffee shop. And I've got to say, it's been amazing getting to know random people through it.
All this to say, I've been thinking about the idea of intentionally creating community as of late. When I came back to Gig Harbor, I had this idea in my head that God was wanting me to start a ministry among young adults. And I somewhat assumed this meant a very straight forward, 'what you normally see' kind of ministry. You know, starting small groups, teaching lessons, etc. etc. But lately I'm realizing this ministry He has naturally evolved for me has everything to do with 'intentionally creating community' and nothing to do with starting small groups or whatever. It's as if there is some switch in me that refuses to shut off. What shall I call it? A hospitality switch? A hostess switch? An organizer switch? I can't stop planning reasons to get together with the young adults in my community.
I wonder if perhaps God wants all of us to be more intentional about creating community around us. I'm not talking about be a freak about it like I am. I just mean that I am someone who believes we were designed to be in relationship with others. But, especially for young single adults, life gets busy with work and play and everything in between. Even hanging out with people can end up being more about entertainment than relationship. I want to start a movement in Gig Harbor where people decide to go out of their way to build relationship with those around them. Have a meal together, play a board game, catch up over coffee, go see a comedian who has come to town, visit a jazz club. Whatever it is, I want to challange everyone, both young and old, to start 'intentionally creating community". See it as a ministry or not. Just give it a try for a while and see what happens. You never know - maybe it might even change your life!
Lately, I've been playing a lot of games with friends. Not as in mental games, I'm mean literal games like Scatagories and chess (yeah, I actually played chess!) and Cranium. I suppose it all started in England when friends and I made a regular meeting out of playing Texas Hold 'Em. And then when I returned I seemed to befriend people who had to play games when they got together. So now I find myself sending out texts every Sunday asking who might be up for a board game at the local coffee shop. And I've got to say, it's been amazing getting to know random people through it.
All this to say, I've been thinking about the idea of intentionally creating community as of late. When I came back to Gig Harbor, I had this idea in my head that God was wanting me to start a ministry among young adults. And I somewhat assumed this meant a very straight forward, 'what you normally see' kind of ministry. You know, starting small groups, teaching lessons, etc. etc. But lately I'm realizing this ministry He has naturally evolved for me has everything to do with 'intentionally creating community' and nothing to do with starting small groups or whatever. It's as if there is some switch in me that refuses to shut off. What shall I call it? A hospitality switch? A hostess switch? An organizer switch? I can't stop planning reasons to get together with the young adults in my community.
I wonder if perhaps God wants all of us to be more intentional about creating community around us. I'm not talking about be a freak about it like I am. I just mean that I am someone who believes we were designed to be in relationship with others. But, especially for young single adults, life gets busy with work and play and everything in between. Even hanging out with people can end up being more about entertainment than relationship. I want to start a movement in Gig Harbor where people decide to go out of their way to build relationship with those around them. Have a meal together, play a board game, catch up over coffee, go see a comedian who has come to town, visit a jazz club. Whatever it is, I want to challange everyone, both young and old, to start 'intentionally creating community". See it as a ministry or not. Just give it a try for a while and see what happens. You never know - maybe it might even change your life!
Mar 2, 2009
Love
This weekend, many of the girls from our church's high school group went away for a spiritual retreat. I was blessed enough to be a leader on this weekend away, and even more blessed to be able to teach a bit on the theme: lavishing love. For those of you who weren't able to make it, and for those of you who were there but would like a refresher, here is a recap.
On the first night, I introduced the idea of God lavishing His love on us. We focused on the weekend's key verse, 1 John 3:1 - How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!...etc.
I discussed how difficult it can be for many of us to understand and accept God's love for us. Hoping in God's love often seems like the biggest risk anyone can take, especially if our personal experiences with an earthly father figure have been disappointing and hurtful. But His love for us is true and good. We can count on it. We are His children and He loves us. I finished by asking the girls to spend the weekend loving on one another as an expression of God's love for them.
In the morning, Alison did a devo on loving one another and the fruits of the Spirit. The fruits of the Spirit will be revealed in us through our actions - the way we treat one another. If we possess the fruits, we will treat one another with love. She made a point that love is the first and foremost fruit of the Spirit. Without it, we cannot obtain the other fruits. So we must seek the love of God.
That evening, Kelly took us through the book of 1 John. She did an incredible job first showing us how to study our bibles, then opening our eyes to what 1 John says about God and us. She discussed God's faithfulness and forgiveness. She discussed what God says about sin and led us through a process of recognising and confessing our own sins. The evening was powerful as God stirred the hearts of many.
On Sunday morning, I gave the final talk on how to apply what we've learned to our lives. I discussed the effect we have on one another. A few of the girls shared how being encouraged by one another over the weekend, as I asked them to do on Friday night, made them feel unified and loved. I shared how when we have healthy human relationships we experience the fullness of life.
We looked at 1 John 4:11-12, which discusses how God first loved us, and that is how we love another. But if we do not first recieve God's love, we cannot love one another. There is this mysterious parallel between the amount of love we recieve from God and the amount of love we are able to pour out on others.
We also discussed the definition of love - that it is not a feeling, but an action. Brad Henning, a speaker on sex and relationships, defines love as choosing the highest good (or the best) for the person recieving the love. That could be others, or that could be ourselves. Love is an action - a choice. If you say you love me, I want to see it in your actions. If you say you love God, I want to see it by the way you live your life.
I challenged the girls to decide what priority they want to have in their life. God or themselves. I asked them how their relationship with God is: what are they holding out from God? When we allow God to remove sins and stains in our lives, we are able to recieve and give more of His love. When we refuse His work in us, we are keeping ourselves from experiencing once again the fullness of life.
To recieve God's love, we need to spend time with Him, soak in His Spirit, pray often, listen to what He has to say to us, and read the Word often for it gives life. It often seems hard, but as we challenge ourselves to perservere, we find that we start to crave the scriptures.
Receive God's love. Then go out and pour it on others.
On the first night, I introduced the idea of God lavishing His love on us. We focused on the weekend's key verse, 1 John 3:1 - How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!...etc.
I discussed how difficult it can be for many of us to understand and accept God's love for us. Hoping in God's love often seems like the biggest risk anyone can take, especially if our personal experiences with an earthly father figure have been disappointing and hurtful. But His love for us is true and good. We can count on it. We are His children and He loves us. I finished by asking the girls to spend the weekend loving on one another as an expression of God's love for them.
In the morning, Alison did a devo on loving one another and the fruits of the Spirit. The fruits of the Spirit will be revealed in us through our actions - the way we treat one another. If we possess the fruits, we will treat one another with love. She made a point that love is the first and foremost fruit of the Spirit. Without it, we cannot obtain the other fruits. So we must seek the love of God.
That evening, Kelly took us through the book of 1 John. She did an incredible job first showing us how to study our bibles, then opening our eyes to what 1 John says about God and us. She discussed God's faithfulness and forgiveness. She discussed what God says about sin and led us through a process of recognising and confessing our own sins. The evening was powerful as God stirred the hearts of many.
On Sunday morning, I gave the final talk on how to apply what we've learned to our lives. I discussed the effect we have on one another. A few of the girls shared how being encouraged by one another over the weekend, as I asked them to do on Friday night, made them feel unified and loved. I shared how when we have healthy human relationships we experience the fullness of life.
We looked at 1 John 4:11-12, which discusses how God first loved us, and that is how we love another. But if we do not first recieve God's love, we cannot love one another. There is this mysterious parallel between the amount of love we recieve from God and the amount of love we are able to pour out on others.
We also discussed the definition of love - that it is not a feeling, but an action. Brad Henning, a speaker on sex and relationships, defines love as choosing the highest good (or the best) for the person recieving the love. That could be others, or that could be ourselves. Love is an action - a choice. If you say you love me, I want to see it in your actions. If you say you love God, I want to see it by the way you live your life.
I challenged the girls to decide what priority they want to have in their life. God or themselves. I asked them how their relationship with God is: what are they holding out from God? When we allow God to remove sins and stains in our lives, we are able to recieve and give more of His love. When we refuse His work in us, we are keeping ourselves from experiencing once again the fullness of life.
To recieve God's love, we need to spend time with Him, soak in His Spirit, pray often, listen to what He has to say to us, and read the Word often for it gives life. It often seems hard, but as we challenge ourselves to perservere, we find that we start to crave the scriptures.
Receive God's love. Then go out and pour it on others.
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