Jesus' Generocity Vs A Me-Cluttered Life

"...the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.' - Matthew 25:34-40

I want to be frank and honestly say that I tend to get so caught up in my own life and its tiny troubles, that I tend to forget or even ignore "the least of these". I move quickly through life, fixating on the things and people I consider to be important. And maybe they are! But have I made them so important that I've left no room for those who are also important in God's kingdom? Didn't Jesus stand with the poor and needy? Didn't he come for the sick and weak?

I have all the comforts I could possibly need and then some. I have so much food that I often throw some out (and still get off at times complaining there is nothing to eat). I have an abundance of clothes (and maybe wear 20% of them on a regular basis). I have a job, shelter, amazing family and group of friends, supportive church, and yet I still at times feel I am lacking. What am I lacking? Mostly gratitude to God for his provisions.

I was reminded last week that what I am given is really not my own (it is God's), and just how much being generous with what God has given us can bless others. My grandma became very sick and had to go to hospital. I really wanted to see her, but the problem was that she lived in Hawaii and I didn't have the money to fly out there. I prayed about it and asked others for prayers of provision. Within a day I was given the funds to purchase a plane ticket by two old friends who both expressed how their money was God's, and he had blessed them with enough excess to bless me. Now I'm left thankful...and inspired.

All week I've been praying into how I can respond. Even before this, God has been working in my heart to fill me with a desire to be more generous. After all, it is important enough that Jesus made a very clear statement about it: "whatever you do to the least of these, you do to me." I'm tired of living a selfish, undisciplined life where my money, time and energy goes to...well...me and what I want! I know there is room for me to make more sacrifices for the least of these. Because really, living a me-cluttered life is exhausting and keeps me from having a lot more joy than I have now.

Maybe you'd like to join me? If so, shoot me a message! Let's chat about how we can respond to God's heart for the poor and needy.

Striving again?

Does anybody else feel like they are constantly striving? If only I pray enough, and read the best Christian books, and listen hard to all the sermons on Sunday, and really go deep in my small group, and offer a helping hand at every church event...and maybe volunteer a few hours for the soup kitchen while I'm at it, and make sure to pay my bills on time, and be available to all my friends, and read the bible everyday, and find my calling in life, and work out at least three times a week, and cut out sugar, and keep a positive attitude...then maybe I will finally feel peace and joy and healing. The problem is all that striving just results in stress and busy-ness and never really being present in the moment.

Can't for once God's grace be enough? I mean really? There is nothing I can add to it. I've already been set free. There's nothing I need to do to access peace and joy and healing. So what is all this going, going, going for? No matter how good these things are within themselves, if all they do is keep me distracted, my heart never really gets what it truly wants: more intimacy with God.

So my response? My temptation is to say, "Oh Courtney. You need to get your act together on this one." Haha. But nope. How about I just turn my brain off for a moment from all those things I think I need to do to be more whole...and just "be wholly Yours." It's time to throw the arms up (for the umpteenth time today) and simply worship the One who took care of everything.

The Summer of New Things

Out with the old and in with the new, right!? I guess I don't really need to take it that far...but at the very least, it is in with the new for this girl. I am excited to try a hoard of new things (or at least things I haven't done in so long, they're practically new). Items on the list include fishing, learning German and becomming a hiker. Today I have taken on my first new challenge...simple, yet exciting in my opinion: making ricotta cheese from scratch! I don't really like the stuff you buy at the store and this is so easy, why would I do anything else? Here is the recipe... Line a collander with two layers of durable food safe paper towel and place in a large bowl. In a separate microwave safe bowl, combine 2 cups of whole milk, 1/4 tsp of salt and 2 tbsp of lemon juice or vinegar. I used lemon juice today. Microwave that for 2 to 4 minutes...until it is 165 degrees F on a food thermometer or it looks like the milk is really forming some good curds. I did the full 4 minutes. Spoon that over the paper towel and let drain covered with plastic wrap or a paper towel until it is the consistency you want it. I'm going with 45 minutes, but you can drain it anywhere from 15 minutes to 2 hours. Put it in a tupperware and store in the fridge for up to 5 days. Should make about 1/2 c.

Trusting God rather than self

If you have your own plan of redemption for yourself, for your life, for your relationships or whatever, God may allow that plan to unravel until you are clueless, aimless, and maybe even hopeless unless you turn to God and seek instead His plan of redemption.

We often approach our lives and circumstances with our own ideas of how they will work out. These ideas may even be based on biblical principles, values and things we've felt we've heard from God. But when we rely on them rather than God himself, we will experience failure, disappointment and heartache. There is a difference between following what we believe God's plan is and actually just trusting the God who knows His own plans for our lives and exactly how to execute them.

One important thing to remember, however, is that trusting God does not mean the road will be easy. Because of our flesh, our view of success and a good life can look like self-glorification, false comfort and security in wordly things, and laziness. But success and a good life in God's eyes means freedom from fleshly desires; it means discipline and self control; it means humility and patience; it means placing the needs of others in high regard and understanding that all of our true needs are met by God. This is very difficult to accomplish and goes against our natural fleshly desires. Therefore, trusting God and choosing the good life in Christ is impossible without the Holy Spirit who transforms and renews us, reshaping our desires and characteristics to look more and more like God's.

But why is trusting God better than taking control of our own lives and following our own plan of redemption? Because we have freedom in Christ, but when we take control we become slaves to our flesh...resulting in bitterness, resentment, pride, hurt, disappointment and anger rather than joy, peace, humility, kindness and love.

Some scriptures for reading on the matter:
Ephesians 4:22-24
Romans 12:3-8
Luke 9:23
2 Corinthians 5:17
Galations 2:20
Romans 6:1-23

Trust God, not insecurities.

I learned a valuable lesson recently. It is one that had to be beat into because I seemed to have been missing it completely for a few months. I am going to share it with you now because it is very simple and straightforward. It is this: trust God instead of trusting insecurities.

You know those thoughts in your head...the quiet little naggy voices that make all kinds of assumptions or judgements...yeah, watch out for those. They tend to be the enemy trying to distract and destroy you with lies. He comes to steal, kill and destroy. I think one area he tries to steal, kill and destroy in most is relationships. Be it family, friends, lovers, even aquaintances...if he can prevent us from effectively showing God's grace and love to anyone, he will do that. Furthermore, if he can fixate us on anything other than worshipping God with our thoughts...well he will try anything.

And that is the thing...when we listen to those voices and begin to trust what they are saying, we stop trusting God; we stop worshipping God and begin worshipping idols...be it what others think of us or what we think of ourselves. If these things are not based on truth...either factual or biblical...they have no place in our lives.

So...here are my thoughts on battling these lies.
1) Pray that God would give you the discernment to recognize them for what they are.
2) Counter the lies with scripture and truth...for example, if the lie says "I am worthless", the bible tells us Christ has given us worth because He died on the cross for us.
3) If the lie is involving another person, ask God to examine your heart and expose idols like worshipping what that person thinks of you or your percieved value to them.
4) Ask God to forgive you and thank Him for His grace and forgiveness.
5) Finally and most importantly, praise God! God corrects our misdirected worship by focusing our hearts once again on him!

So may God help you (and I) to trust Him rather than trusting insecurities. :)

40 Day Bible: The Schedule

I have embarked on what is, for me, a huge undertaking. I am attempting to read the Bible cover to cover in 40 days. My inspiration came on Fat Tuesday when the question arose from a friend, "What shall I do for Lent?" Most people give up a bad habit, whereas if I do participate in Lent, I like to take on a good habit. And so I set forth to read the Bible through Lent...everyday for 40 days from Genesis to Revelation.

My motives? At times in my life, I have been so madly in love with the Word that I could not get enough of it. And then there were other times...which has been more often than the former. God's Word is such a gift. And realizing this, I want to approach it as a gift...a GREAT gift. I've never read the Bible cover to cover. I'm also not very disciplined. This is a lot for an undisciplined person to take on.

Yet because it is such a great task, I have to rely on the Lord for strength, focus, endurance and...dare I say it...discipline. Dividing the whole Bible into 40 readings means that I have about 45 to 50 pages set before me daily. If I did it in a year, I'd have maybe 5. It's much easier to say, "Oh, I don't feel like doing my reading today. I'll just add it to tomorrow's reading," when I only have 5 pages to read daily. And then of course, if I say this enough times, eventually I just stop doing it all together. But 45 to 50 pages!?!? Boy! If I miss a day, it would be too overwhelming to add it to the next day's reading! And so, in this way, I have a form of accountability.

On top of all of this, should I not be delighted to spend time in God's Word? After all, it is lifeblood to a believer. It blesses my spirit, transforms my mind, and it serves others when God wells it up out of me to share as an encouragement or challenge. I want to approach this journey not with a complaining or negative heart, but with a heart full of gratitude that I have His Word to enjoy and to be refreshed by.

I will do my best to keep an update of how the scriptures are effecting my life. If you would like to (at some point, if not now) join me on this journey, here is the schedule to follow:

Day 1: Genesis 1-27
Day 2: Genesis 28-50
Day 3: Exodus 1-30
Day 4: Exodus 31 - Leviticus 23
Day 5: Leviticus 24 - Numbers 24
Day 6: Numbers 25 - Deuteronomy 20
Day 7: Deuteronomy 21 - Joshua 13
Day 8: Joshua 14 - Judges 20
Day 9: Joshua 21 - 1 Samuel 20
Day 10: 1 Samuel 21 - 2 Samuel 18
Day 11: 2 Samuel 19 - 1 Kings 16
Day 12: 1 Kings 17 - 2 Kings 18
Day 13: 2 Kings 19 - 1 Chronicles 26
Day 14: 1 Chronicles 27 - 2 Chronicles 33
Day 15: 2 Chronicles 34 - Esther 2
Day 15: Esther 3 - Job 37
Day 16: Job 38 - Psalm 44
Day 17: Psalm 45-95
Day 18: Psalm 96-150
Day 20: Proverbs 1-31
Day 21: Ecclesiastes 1 - Isaiah 14
Day 22: Isaiah 15-46
Day 23: Isaiah 47 - Jeremiah 10
Day 24: Jeremiah 11-44
Day 25: Jeremiah 45 - Ezekiel 16
Day 26: Ezekiel 17-48
Day 27: Daniel 1 - Hosea 14
Day 28: Joel 1 - Nahum 3
Day 29: Habakkuk 1 - Malachi 4
Day 30: Matthew 1-28
Day 31: Mark 1-16
Day 32: Luke 1-24
Day 33: John 1-21
Day 34: Acts 1-28
Day 35: Romans 1 - 1 Corinthians 8
Day 36: 1 Corinthians 9 - Galatians 6
Day 37: Ephesians 1 - 1 Thessalonians 5
Day 38: 2 Thessalonians 1 - Hebrews 6
Day 39: Hebrews 7 - 1 John 2
Day 40: 1 John 3 - Revelation 22

Well, there you have it. The 40 day plan. I wish you well and pray you will be tremendously blessed through the journey. (Don't forget to pray loads at least beforehand that God would make His word come alive to you and reveal Himself to you through the scriptures.) ENJOY!!!! :)

Fair Tacoma...

It is strange to have a torn heart. I used to call another place home. And now I call this place home. And perhaps I am beginning to love them both just the same. But England occupies much of my dreams...either that I find myself walking its streets or enjoying its people or even speaking its tongue.

Yet I walk the streets of this city at night and realize that, like an old friend, I am falling in love with it...subtly and gently. So subtle and gentle, in fact, that I hardly even notice it at all...until those moments when the twinkling street lights cause me to pause...and draw in that cold city air...and feel a certain sort of wrenching in my gut that tells me...I've let the city in.

We are only courting...but...I am falling in love.

Today is Christmas. Well...technically it is now Boxing Day...34 minutes past midnight according to my watch.

Is it horrible of me to think of dying today? Not in the morbid or depressing sort of way. It's different. It's more like this sense that I desire to be in God's presence so much that I actually look forward to dying. And that is why I thought of it today (or yesterday...whatever). On Christmas we celebrate the most generous of gifts that God ever gave us...Himself. His presence. To have Him go with us. That's what Christ did. So I thought of it today...I thought of how wonderful death will be. Because it will only mean an end to living in a broken, burdensome world...and the the beginning of a glorious existence living unendedly in His presence. Yes, I look forward to that day.

If I die before my presumable time...or even if I die in my old age...I want someone somewhere somehow to know this. While I am mostly content here on this earth, and while I submit myself gratefully to God's will to keep me here...my soul longs to be free from this body...from my flesh...and to be fully united with my Creator. My heart knows He is its truest, deepest desire. This place...this world...is so strange to me. I do not understand it. I feel as though I am an alien here...and in ways I am. Because it is not my home. And time and time again I tell Him, "I want to go Home."

Yet with this in mind...knowing what such sweet things are in store for me...I realize I am not really here for myself. If that were the case, then silly me! For there is nothing here in the worldly kingdom that isn't far better in the kingdom of heaven. No, with all this in mind I realize...I am here for His purposes. And when those expire...may so I. May so I go and be with Him. I long for that day. Like a child who waits for Christmas...like a bride who waits for her wedding day...but far more than that. With great joy I look forward to finally standing before Him, falling at His feet and worshiping my Love.

I should be sleeping.

When it's late like this, I think too much. I think about things that make me melancholy like Preston or England. I've been sorting through my music for the last few hours because I have a show coming up on Wednesday, and I came across an old song by Paul Simon: Kathy's Song. There is a line in it..."And from the shelter of my mind, Through the window of my eyes, I gaze beyond the rain drenched streets To England where my heart lies..."

It is strange when you love a place that you know you don't belong in. In some ways it's like loving someone you know isn't right for you. It's not that I don't fit in with England. Oh contrare! It simply means that England is not where I belong...for now. Even if my heart is there in many ways. I also love Tacoma and I'm glad to be here.

And someday...I'd like to go to the far reaches of the earth again...even farther...to places like the South Pacific...maybe Vanuatu. I still dream. I still hope and pray and wonder and dream.

I still dream.

Constantly I am faced with this question of singleness...and given enough time (though it rarely takes much), the answer goes back to praising God for it. I have to know, without a shadow of doubt, that if I do marry, it will be a part of my calling. How can I put marriage above being a missionary? I know with such certainty that I cannot. No matter how hard I try, no matter how often I wander...(prone to wander, Lord, I feel it)...God always brings me back to that night in a parking lot in a city called Seattle...the night He made it clear that I am called to be a servant of Jesus Christ...a missionary. How well have I stewarded what I've been given in light of this calling? In truth, not well.

I am in Tacoma, an amazing place to be a light of Christ. Yet my thoughts wander...from the shelter of my mind, through the window of my eyes I gaze beyond the rain drenched streets to England where my heart lies...and to other places...to the whole of Europe, and to Africa...and to the South Pacific.

May I praise and honor God from where I my feet are already planted.

Tonight I will share, without going into detail, that I've arrived at a place...and looking back at not only the last 12 weeks but also the last few years, this place would have all the appearance of being the end of a journey. Yet I know, in reality, I have only begun this journey.

I have focused so much of my attention...in this little life of mine...to controlling as much of it as possible. And as much as I believed I could have that control, I never did. I believed I controlled my relationships, though in a way that rarely (if ever) appeared aggressive...merely that I always held people a safe distance from me, giving them some hope of vulnerability and dependence, but never delivering. I believed I controlled my finances...but it has proved time and time again that really I've given my finances control over me. I believed I controlled my destiny...mostly in seemingly subtle ways; ways that probably most everyone thinks they OUGHT to control it. I even believed that perhaps I could control my emotions, which never worked well because instead of stewarding them, I simply pushed them into some deep cavern that, when overfull, only forced my emotions out in selfish ways. I was never in control. And I never will be.

There was a time when this troubled me. Now it overjoys me. I have peace because not only do I believe God is control, but (and this is key) I believe God is GOOD. And GENEROUS. And FAITHFUL. And FORGIVING. And....I believe, truly...that He does love me. And He loves well. All this time, by my actions, I was telling God that I knew better than He what is best for me...and time and time again I proved such a statement to be a lie.

Now, Lord, can I simply rejoice that YOU ARE AWESOME!? And who cares if things don't turn out the way I expect them to!? That's not the point! It's not all about ME!!! I'm NOT God! I complain because I'm selfish instead of joyfully trusting You, believing You are good, and serving because YOU SERVED US! Only when I seek Your presence and make it my treasure am I able to love others without seeking selfish gain. And that is what we do, isn't it? When we are honest with ourselves, we see how that is what we do. That is what I do, anyway, and I have a suspicion that I am far from being being alone in it.

So praise, God, all you saints! Praise Him! For He is good and His works are AWESOME!

Good Ol' Poetry

Today I came across some old poetry I wrote back in the day. It got me into a bit of an introspective mood. I'm hoping more poetry will come out of it.

For old times sake, here's a few of the originals:

-Untitled Original

Behind the window pane lives a silent black.
No rustling of trees or footsteps down the walk.
Only a dark that is so alive it stalks;
Waiting behind the double curtains of glass
Until this room’s dim candle is not wax but only wick;
And its light fades in to a quick puff of stale-smelling smoke.
Then it will consume me in my bed
And drain me of life,
And run its smooth fingers across my face,
Coaxing me into some dream laced coma.



-Another Untitled Original

thumping, thumping
comes the rain
like millions of fists
conquering the roof
of a two-hundred year old church;

the seige
goes unnoticed
by the young church musicians,
self-proclaimed missionaries,
over the clang and clash and bang
- budump, budump -
on the snare! on the bass!
striking keys! power chords!
vibrato, vibraaaato, VIBRAAAAATOOOO!
in Jesus name!

all worshipping
the rhythm, the melody
fashioned by the hands of adam.
all...

...but one lad?

in the corner, tucked away on the sill,
ear pressed against cold charged glass,
fascinated
with the sound
that rain makes
when interuppted
by a window.

just one lad?

unconvinced?
- maybe -
day dreaming
of breaking away
from a wild truth that has
become
"institutionalised";
a freedom that has
become
"boxed in";
a renewing that has
become
"mainstreamed";

something deeper
made shallow or
adam has tried
to build with
bricks of humanity.

just one lad?

nay.

there are five
windows
for sitting
on each side
of the two-hundred year old church.

one for me
and a spare ear
to press

and listen.


-This Woman’s Resignation

In early October I drew me a bath
(Because taking a bath is a rarity).
Laying still in the tub, under my breath,
I murmured past words of clarity.
And soaking in thoughts, I drew a request
And exhaled my earnest submission.
“God of heaven, let me resign
To a life of simple ambition.”


-The Feisty Boiler

The boiler in my room gargled, spat and creeped
With the purpose to wake me
From my beautifying sleep
In order that I might call on a young man.
Who? I did not know,
For there are three of them.
So I hissed back instead.
And tossed the quilt over my head.
More sleep and more dreams; more bed.
Then again the boiler popped and whistled.
“Not again,” I said.
“Again and again,” he knocked.
“Wake up and call your friend.”
Defeated, I rose, but hooted back,
“I do not even know which of them to call!”
With authority he rumbled,
“Call them all!”
“Call them all?
I suppose there ARE just three.
But it is late where they are
And they’d not care to speak.”
“Call them all! Call them all!
I say it again, just call!”
So I rang up the first and probably my closest,
But my friend did not answer.
(For surely this was hopeless.)
Then I dialed the second, a good friend indeed.
But without even a ring
It went straight to his message machine.
Finally, the third I was sure would not care
If he heard my voice
Or had I words to share.
But I rang him because certainly
The boiler was miffed I had waited.
And he’d probably hiss more if I hesitated.
Then…
“Hello” came his voice, deep and tired.
I was startled. Lost my pride.
“I know it’s late where you are
and you’re probably sleeping,
but my boiler is gargling, spatting and creeping.”
“Now is perfect because I’ve nothing to do,
And I’ll always welcome a call from you.”
So we chatted for hours,
Nearly three,
I left him encouraged.
He strengthened me.
And to think,
I would have slept instead
if not for the boiler banging next to my bed.


-On Letters To A Friend

I’ve written letters that live in an envelope
Tucked away in a book near my bed.
I won’t tell you what they say,
Though someday
You’ll know. You’ll have read.
What scares me? What I write.
They are more than words to a friend.
Though unattached and whimsical;
Not analytical;
Meaning bends when I bend.
Don’t trust curves of ink on paper.
Trust how I have proven
I’ll remain ever so loyal –
Never to spoil
The threads we’ve together woven.

Back by popular demand...?

As requested by Scott Schubert, I am writing a new blog.

It's such a beautiful day out today. I ought to go for a walk around the woods instead of staying in this office. I have been debating this very thing, actually, for some time. I say to myself, "Oh, you HAVE to go outside. It will be lovely and days like this are very rare this time of year." And the other side of it is that I have a sermon I have been trying to concentrate on for the past several hours. I quite enjoy working on this sermon (it is on 1 Corinthians 9:19-23), but maybe I could do with a break.

Come to think of it, a nice walk might really get me centered on the Lord and 'fix my gaze upon Him' all the better. Or just give me a bit of peace.

I am no stranger to finding comfort and rest in nature. I can recall several occasions (and a far many more are lost to the past and will never come to mind) when I have been greatly affected by the richness of God's character revealed in forests, lakes, oceans, skies, valleys, plains, etc. Perhaps that is why I enjoy living in the Northwest so much. There is no shortage of natural beauty in this blessed place.

I will refer to a time when I was struggling with trusting the Lord...which seems to be a common theme not only in my life, but in humanity. I was sat next to a very large lake outside of Leavenworth (here in Washington) mumbling whatever in prayer to Him. It was next to that lake that I found a certain peace; that in witnessing even just the vastness of a lake that was nothing compared to an ocean, I somehow understood that God is not only trustworthy, but also MIGHTY. So mighty, in fact, that the burdens which weighed on my shoulder at the time were hardly a weight to be noticed by Him. And yes, He could carry them perfectly well. Whatever pity party I may have been having at the time were silenced by His creation.

Good on Him.

I will end this note with something that has NOTHING to do with what I've just written: I started watching the Vicar of Dibley last night again and I have to tell you...it is still my favorite show of all time.

That's all for now - off to spend a few minutes outside!!!

For anyone with a liturgical background (as Matt Edwards would say), this is the season of advent. You know, advent being the first coming of Christ. And for probably many of you, this season is marked by little calendars filled with cheap chocolates, advent candles that you burn a centimeter a day, the cutting down and decorating of Christmas trees, party planning, and most of all...Christmas shopping. Oh joy. Christmas shopping. I hope that you detect that sense of dread in my voice.

I will admit that in the past I have loved Christmas shopping. But as I have grown older, had more people to shop for and less time to do it, I've come to despise it. It's not that I don't like the whole gifting thing. I actually LOVE that part, which is why I enjoyed it in the first place. But I'm coming to feel as though I've lost something along the way. It seems somehow meaningless to go out and buy a gift for someone for the sake of buying a gift. And I have that presence of a sort of evil hanging over my head that says, "they're not even going to appreciate it anyway." I mean, let's be honest: how many of us get gifts at Christmas and think, "Crap. I wouldn't normally be caught dead in this sweater, but I'm going to have to wear it once or twice, aren't I?" or "What in the world would I even do with such a thing as this? It's perfectly useless to me. But I'll keep it around for a year or two so it seems I got some use out of it before I accidentally misplace it," or "Not this again?" Yeah...that's what I thought.

You know people mean well. The problem is that we often do (truly truly) buy just to give something. Whether it's out of tradition or a sense of obligation or competition or even out of good heartedness. Doesn't it all, deep down, just feel meaningless?

The excitement over the iPod wears off in a few weeks. Or the new phone is great, but it's only a matter of months before you're finding reasons why you hate the darn thing and are looking for something else (or sometimes in a matter of days). Have we lost sight of the bigger picture? Not just for Christmas. No, I don't mean that. I mean for life?

It's not about getting things. It's not about abundance or having all that we want or being comfortable. At least not if you're a Christian. We live in abundance in America. Even if you are homeless, you still have more than a lot of people in the world living in complete poverty; in countries where there are the poor...and the poorer. We get it into our heads that we need things...things that we really don't need. And sometimes we even get mad at God when we don't get them.

How many of you have been frustrated with Him because you didn't get a job that you wanted when you were struggling to make ends meet? And in the same case, how many of you have felt that certain jobs were beneath you so you didn't even consider them? How many of you have ever complained about your car? But then not realizing that less than 10% of the world's population even owns a car?

I complain about not having health insurance all the time. But if I needed to see a doctor, there are plenty available and I can probably afford a visit and some antibiotics without feeling to uncomfortable. If I couldn't, there are free clinics and clinics that offer health care on a sliding scale. And even so, there are my parents who, if I really needed it, would take care of me. Even people in my church would probably donate toward a large medical bill if I needed surgery or something of that nature. Yet roughly 270 million children in the world have NO access to health care at all. NO ACCESS. This puts things in perspective for me a little bit.

I have never gone a day where I've had to think: "How will I eat?" Not one day. I may have gone a day without eating because I was sick or fasting or forgetful. But I have never had to ask the question of 'how'...I will eat. Have you?

I was challenged this past Thanksgiving: you know, the holiday celebrates our abundance. And that is fine. It is good to be thankful and celebrate abundance, but I was challenged to not stop it at that. Instead...should I not be giving out of that abundance? I'm not rich by American standards. In fact, if you really want to know, I make less than $1000 a month. But I still consider myself to live in abundance. My needs are met. I have food. I have clean water. I have shelter. I much more. I have a car that works. I have enough money each month to go out to eat or sit in a cafe regularly. I have a mobile phone. I have netflix (I love netflix). I have a laptop, which I am typing on as we speak. I have too many clothes, even though I've already gotten rid of almost half of them. I have two jobs. I have cable tv where I live AND wifi. I have two guitars. I have three coats, one anorak and one really nice fleece jacket. I have too many shoes. I have a tv and a dvd player. I have a large room that is bigger than a space a family might share in a developing country. I have a credit card. I have heat in my home...

The list goes on and on and on and the more I think about it, the more I know I could add. And the more I add, the more I realize how much abundance I live in...and I am still considered poor by American standards. I find this laughable. I dare you to make a list of all the things you own. Feel free to clump things like clothes and shoes together. It doesn't matter. You'll still probably have a ridiculously long list. If that doesn't get you to think, I don't know what will.

So anyway...here is my greatest challenge: don't make Christmas about having more stuff. Make it about giving...to people who need it. Christ didn't come to heal the healthy and feed the wealthy. He came to heal the sick and feed the poor.

Pray about how you can give out of abundance this year. Visit www.adventconspiracy.org, www.worldvision.org, www.ijm.org, www.mochaclub.org, and www.kiva.org for more information and ways you can help.

Dear Lord,

I remember when I was younger I used to have these passionate conversations with you. I'd say things that were deep...all the time. And I'd have intimate relationships with other believers because we'd want to talk about you whenever we were together. You know what was really going on? I was in love with You. And now I've sort of forgotten that aspect of our relationship. It's sort of gone on the back burner because I'm relating to You more as a Father at the moment. But...I'm miss feeling more like You are a lover.

So, my prayer is to feel that way about you again. My prayer is to start having those intimate conversations again, with the appropriate people, of course. Whatever happened to them? He he. We'll get there together.

Love you.

Courtney

Autumn!

I love autumn. I guess I'm truly from the Northwest. It's just that it makes me feel so nostalgic. You know, the crazy busy summer is over and I am reminded of all the time I get to spend with my family and close friends when the weather starts to turn cold. Dinners consisting of thick, hearty stews. Drinking chocolate warmed up on the stove with milk, whipped cream and marshmallows (or made for you at Forza, if you want to spend the money). Baking cookies and pies and other unhealthy things to give people as gifts because few people can resist sweets. And Thanksgiving with family! And Christmas. I enjoy Christmas so much more now that I'm older and it's not about the presents anymore. And the rain! I love the rain. Call me a true Northwesterner. I know it! Rain is a sign of blessing. So many people go without it that I'm so grateful for it. They way it makes the air smell. The way it feels when it hits my face. The puddles to splash in. And the laughs to be had when running through rain that soaks you to the core. Mmmm. I wish you could see the smile on my face.

But something more is going on. The change of seasons reminds me of the seasons of life. Leaves that once symbolized life, begin to die and fall away from the trees. Then the rain comes and just washes everything away, preparing the ground for new life in the spring. Perhaps in this season, you feel there are things which you have clinged to in the past (as trees cling to their leaves) that are beginning to wither and fall away. Maybe this a painful process. And perhaps you also feel that God is beginning to send rain upon, making this whole experience even harder...

In this time, may you be reminded to trust God. Just as leaves must die and be soaked into the ground to make way for new life, be blessed with the knowledge that for all things that God causes to die within us, He is sowing a new seed that will produce an even better fruit.

My cousin ended his life about a week ago. He was in a coma for a little while and then finally...on Friday...he just went. He was only 15. Here...and then gone. Like that. Still just a little bird.

Someone once told me - a woman I'd never met before - that when she closed her eyes she saw this picture of me standing like a tree in the middle of a field and thousands upon thousands flocked to me. That they were drawn to me. On a seperate and unrelated occasion, another woman - this time one that I knew - told me that she also saw me as a tree with branches that spread into the sky; and that thousands of birds and animals came to me to find refuge...

When I think of my cousin, I think of how I wish I could have been a refuge to him. I think of how I wish I knew how to give him the kind of love that he needed. But even if I possess it, I wonder if he would have ever recieved it. There is something about holding a child who no body seems to want or notice or really care about - just to say I want you; I notice you; I really care about you. But only if it is genuine. Because a child deep down knows when it is not genuine. And such a knowledge creates a void in them...I believe. Or maybe I don't know anything at all and I'm simply processing why my 15 year old cousin felt that ending his life was his only option.

I have no words of wisdom to offer in this situation. I have to deep insight - other than to say that I know, without a doubt, that God loved that boy more than any of us could ever understand or realize. And that his pain was also God's.

This has changed my life. It has made me contemplative about things which I have chosen to so much ignore in the past. It has made me realize that in this one...very short existence...we cannot compromise fullness of love for self indulgence. I do not know what day I shall pass on to glory. Why waste my life trying to aquire something that I will never take with me in the end anyhow? On that day all I will have is the life I lived. And I'd most like to look back on it with gratitude and a confidence that I did the best I could to live it right. That I lived it pouring myself out of love. And to do that, I must be full of my Maker's love.

I wish I poured more of my love out onto that boy. But I can't go back. Now I must go forward with what I now know and...do the best I can.

Right? If only this grief were not so heavy. Preston, wherever you are, you must know that you have changed me.

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;
5

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,
10

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.
15

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.
20

Mark Driscoll's 8 Questions to Determine How Humble You Are...

These questions are taken from Mark Driscoll's 05-12-09 sermon on Humility. I recommend listening to the audio sermon online, which can be found at marshillchurch.org. These questions are best coupled with the sermon. But they are okay to use on their own.

Before you look at these questions, you need to know that they should not be simply looked over and answered yes or no. These are questions that require deep thought and self-examination. Mark Driscoll advices people to take these questions to their closest friends and work colleagues; have such people answer these questions on one's behalf. Whatever you decide to do with them, make sure to take them to heart. The parenthesis are my own expansions of the questions for clarity.

1) Are you teachable? (Do you take what others are teaching you into heavy consideration, or do you think you know it all?)

2) How do you respond to correction and rebuke? (Do you get defensive or are you willing to listen and take on board correction and rebuke?)

3) Do you repent quickly and thoroughly? (How quick are you to apologize? How willing are you to apologize? Do you apologize without expectation from the other party to do the same?)

4) Are you considerate of other people? (Think of specific examples, even things like driving conduct and sharing your opinions.)

5) Do you serve and recieve service well? (Are you willing to serve for the sake of service? Do you let others serve and help you, or does your pride get in the way?)

6) Are you consistantly aware of God's grace in your life? (Do you know that you are a sinner? Are you aware of your sins, strengths, weaknesses? Are you thankful for God's graces?)

7) Do you disagree agreeably? (Are you constantly opinionated? Do you feel that you need to be right? Or do you willingly listen to the opinions of others with an open mind and disagree graciously? Are you willing to admit that you may be wrong?)

8) How much attention and affirmation do you desire? (Do you get upset and angry when you haven't been affirmed consistently in ministry? Do you feel that you need to be recognized for what you do? Do you serve or lead because it makes you feel important and/or in control?)

A short note...

Today I was reminded that no matter how frustrating situations people can be, it is always about love. Seeing them as Christ sees them and then...loving them. When we think they "don't get it" or they are too immature or they're too selfish or they're just idiots...love.

The more we see them as Christ sees them, the less annoyed or frustrated or whatever we get. Because they stop being a thing in our lives or an inconvenience or there to serve what we want to accomplish...and they start being people. More than that, they start being children of God with heartaches and needs and problems and desires and hopes and mistakes and insecurities and...

...a special purpose...

...just like me.



Remember to love today. Remember to see each other as Christ does.

Spiritual Healing

Last night I presented a sermon on Matthew 9:1-8. I focused on spiritual healing vs. physical healing. After the sermon, I was approached by a small handful of people telling me how significant the message was. It was then that I realized perhaps I need to address this to more than just the youth group.

An overview of the passage: it is about a paralytic who was carried by his friends to a gathering where Jesus was teaching. Their hope was to get their friend healed. But when they reached the house where the gathering was, they could not get in. So they dug a hole in the roof and lowered their buddy in. Seeing the faith of the friends, Jesus said to the paralytic, "Son, your sins are forgiven." But of course the Pharisees were bitter in their hearts and secretly accused Jesus of blasphemy. Sensing this, Jesus called them out and said, "Which is easier to say: 'Your sins are forgiven' or 'Get up, take your mat, and go home'? But so that you may know I have the authority to forgive sins - son, get up, take your mat, and go home." So the paralytic got up, took his mat, and went home. And God was glorified.

Now whenever I used to read this I always felt that it should be harder to heal a man of his physical ailments. "Isn't forgiveness of sins easy?" But I did not realize the significance God's forgiveness of our sins actually is.

You know, last fall I took a blow to my health. In such a short period of time I developed severe tendinitis in both hands/arms. It was so devastating, it was like hitting a brick wall. I had to drop out of massage therapy school, quit my job as a barista, stop playing guitar, and even everyday tasks like writing, cleaning, driving, putting on make up and doing my hair became very painful. I did not understand why I was going through such a thing. I prayed constantly that God would heal me physically. Eventually, I grew bitter and hopeless.

But during the time that my hands got worse and worse, something strange happened. I had to start dealing with the fact that I was getting bitter, that my heart was breaking, and that I was sick of being disappointed. And in the midst of dealing with it, I was forced to face sins, heartaches, disappointments, unforgiveness and resentment from the past - things which I'd been holding on to, and refused to deal with before. And though it was painful, I began to heal in a very spiritual way.

I had a break through one night a few months ago. I sat alone in my room and for hours upon hours I prayed through my sins that I'd not confessed, through hurts that I'd not yet forgiven (even forgiving myself), and disappointments that I held against God or others. As I worked through my spiritual ailments, a heavy burden began to lift. I knew God was mending significant wounds. And at the end of the night, I felt God placing a promise in my heart. As if He were saying, "Courtney, now I am not only going to heal you spiritually, but now I am also going to heal you physically. Keep praying for it."

Since, I have continued my journey of spiritual healing. I have grown significantly from my physical disease and have learned to rely on God in new and wonderful ways. But guess what? He's also been healing me physically! My tendinitis is nearly gone, to the point that my doctor said I may even be able to return to massage school soon. Praise God!

But you see, it was important that I realized that spiritual healing is far more significant than physical healing. We focus so much on the physical. Yet the physical will soon pass. Spiritual healing is eternal, while physical healing is only temporary. We are all going to die one day. We are all getting old and our bodies are deteriorating. In our youth we may have our physical health, but it will soon fade. Whereas our spiritual health will remain with us throughout our lives and we will reap a reward in heaven for our pursuit of godliness.

I want to challenge you that if the idea of your health deteriorating is actually quite a frightening thought to you, perhaps you need to give that to God. While physical health is important (I won't deny that, it certainly helps us to be capable of more), it can become an idol like anything else.

When you look back on your life, how will you have lived it? Will you have wasted your time and energy and heart and focus on the pursuit of physical things? Wealth, status, appearance? All of these things will die with you and never give you life. Or will you see that you pursued God, love, godliness? If you pursue God with your utmost diligence in your life, you will plant seeds of love and hope and goodness in the lives you touch, even if you never know it. You will live life to its fullest because you will know what life is truly about. As you strive to give over to God the junk in your life, you will have richer relationships, deeper love, and fully appreciation. Your needs will become simple and your heart grow more delighted in Him.

It all starts with prayer. Pray, pray, pray, pray to Him. Listen to Him speak to you. Tell Him anything and everything. Pour your heart out to Him. Prayer is the most amazing tool we have - it is direct communication with God. And though it is hard often, persevere. Persevere because He will guide your way through prayer.

I will end this blog with a verse:

"...Train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, BUT godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." 1 Timothy 4:7b-8

Amen.